5 Subtle Signs of Trauma: When You're Dealing with More Than You Think

When you think about someone experiencing trauma, incidents such as a violent or sexual assault or a terrible car accident might come to mind. Those are very traumatic and are more obvious trauma experiences, but there are also other, subtler forms of trauma that can negatively affect our lives and hinder our relationships. These sometimes go under the radar or get dismissed because they are more subtle.

Emotional trauma is often overlooked and minimized, and we may think we’ve “gotten over” some emotional pain that we’ve simply buried, and not dealt with. A break up, being passed over for a promotion at work, or even a simple but negative childhood experience can cause emotional trauma. Read on to see if you recognize any of these four subtle signs of trauma in yourself.

Feeling Overwhelmed

Anxiety and stress may develop in the aftermath of trauma, causing you to feel overwhelmed in numerous ways. You might feel out of control, like there is too much to do, or that people in your life are taking up too much of your time and attention. If you often feel as though your life has become unmanageable, this could be a sign that you have some unresolved emotional trauma.

Overreacting

Emotional overreactions are a common symptom of trauma. A victim of trauma might redirect their overwhelming emotions towards others, such as family and friends. Because these undealt with emotions are always bubbling under the surface, any incident that brings feelings forward can unleash these pent-up emotions. If you can recall times when you’ve overreacted, and perhaps have even been surprised at your own reactions, this may be a sign of trauma.

Shame

It’s not uncommon for people suffering from emotional trauma to have feelings of shame and self-blame. If you have feelings of shame because of a traumatic event, you may devalue yourself or see yourself as weak. You might feel a stigma from what you endured, and this may prevent you from admitting that you may be traumatized, or prevent you from seeking help.

Daydreaming

Another subtle sign of trauma is “zoning” or “spacing out.” You might feel disconnected from others or have difficulty staying present in social situations. Emotional trauma can cause you to slow down internally, numbing your emotions or causing you to feel exhausted. Because of the trauma you experienced, you may be averse to the expression of painful emotions, so you turn those emotions off. As you withdraw, your relationships with others suffer, causing you further psychological pain.

Physical Illness or Pain

Often times when emotional pain is buried and/or ignored, the body naturally finds a way to release it in one way or another. Sometimes this comes out in physical bodily pains, illness, disease, or allergies. Emotional, mental, and physical health are intertwined so unresolved emotional pain may come out in your physical body.

If these signs seem familiar and you believe you may be suffering from trauma, help is available. A caring, mental health professional trained in trauma treatment can help. Take the first step by giving us a call today, and let’s set up a time to talk.

Do You Have C-PTSD?

You have most likely heard the term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – also known as PTSD. It is used to describe the mental and emotional anguish suffered by those who have experienced sudden trauma, usually a one time incident. PTSD is often experienced by soldiers as well as those who have been victims of rape and other crimes, and even victims of house fires and car accidents.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) describes a condition that very much presents like PTSD, the difference being the sufferer experienced prolonged periods of abuse or neglect. This could happen as a result of childhood abuse/neglect or the abuse suffered at the hands of a narcissistic partner.

Diagnosing C-PTSD

Diagnosing C-PTSD is tricky because the symptoms are usually not very unique. That is to say, someone who is suffering from C-PTSD may be experiencing anxiety and lethargy, but these symptoms match other mental health issues.

But it is very important to accurately diagnose C-PTSD because of the necessary treatment measures. The main difference between C-PTSD and other mental health issues – say, bipolar disorder – is that C-PTSD is a result of things that were done TO an individual, and not an intrinsic problem. In other words, someone suffers from C-PTSD because of abuse and neglect at the hands of another and not because of genetically determined brain chemistry.

To help correctly identify C-PTSD, a therapist must uncover an accurate history to understand if:

• The individual has experienced multiple prolonged traumas that have lasted for months (or even years)

• The traumas were caused by someone the individual had a deep interpersonal relationship with and/or someone who was part of their primary care network (most commonly a parent or caregiver)

• These traumas were experienced as permanent features of life, with the individual unable to see any end in sight

• The individual had no control or power over the person traumatizing them

Symptoms of C-PTSD

As I just mentioned, the outward symptoms of C-PTSD may match other mental health disorders. Those symptoms include:

• Flashbacks and nightmares in which the trauma is relived.

• Avoiding people, places, and situations that remind them of the trauma.

• Dizziness or nausea when remembering the trauma.

• Hyperarousal. This is a state of high alert and one they often lived in.

• A belief that the world is a dangerous place.

• A loss of trust in self or others.

• Difficulty sleeping and concentrating.

• Being startled by loud noises.

Treatment for C-PTSD

There are a few different treatment options for people suffering from C-PTSD:

Psychotherapy

Therapy can take place on a one-to-one basis or in a group setting. The focus will be on addressing feelings, improving connections with others, and dealing with anxiety and flashbacks.

EMDR

EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. This is a process that uses eye movement to help a person desensitize their reactions to a specific traumatic event. The result is the person can eventually recall the memory but have no emotional reaction to it.

Medication

Some individuals may need to be on medications for a while to reduce their anxiety. A therapist can work with you to determine if this is the best course of action.

If you believe you are suffering from C-PTSD and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Here’s How Social Isolation Affects Your Health

Many of us experienced social isolation during the pandemic. I imagine none of us will deny that those days and weeks were very hard. Thankfully, the pandemic is over, and life for the majority of us has returned to normal. But for some people, social isolation didn’t go away; it is a part of their “normal” existence.

Common Causes of Social Isolation

There are a variety of circumstances that cause people to be isolated from others, or to choose to isolate themselves:

• An abusive relationship – People in toxic relationships often choose to avoid contact with friends and family because they wish to hide their reality from others.

• Grief – It is common to isolate oneself after losing a loved one. This is particularly true for many seniors who have lost many loved ones and friends.

• Mental health issues – Anxiety, depression and low self-esteem can often result in a desire to isolate oneself from the rest of society.

• Physical challenges – Those with limited mobility or other physical challenges may decide life is easier and safer at home.

The Effects of Social Isolation on Your Health

We know there is a strong mind-body connection. How we feel emotionally effects how we feel physically. Studies are now revealing how social isolation can negatively impact our health. Here are just some of the effects on your health:

• Reduced immune function

• Trouble sleeping (which leads to inflammation and a disruption of hormones)

• Poor cardiovascular health

• Poor cognitive function

• Greater chance of stroke

• Decreased wound healing

• Increased risk of dementia

• Higher risks of premature mortality

Coping With Social Isolation

If you are isolated from others for any reason, it is important to recognize you may be suffering mentally, emotionally, and/or physically. Here are some ways you can cope with the situation:

• Practice self-care

• Get outside

• Reconnect with hobbies and interests

• Get help

If you would like to speak to someone about your anxiety or depression caused by isolation as well as the reasons for the isolation, please reach out to me. I offer online therapy for those who feel more comfortable accessing help from home.

SOURCES:

https://publichealth.tulane.edu/blog/effects-of-social-isolation-on-mental-health/

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/social-isolation-mental-health

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/isolation-and-mental-health

5 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect

For many individuals, childhood is a time of wonder and adventure; a time when all needs are met and comfort is merely a whimper away.

And yet for others, childhood never feels quite safe or secure. For these people, emotional neglect was something that colored their early years and affects them as adults.

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is the result of parents not responding enough to the emotional needs of their children. While it is an invisible form of suffering, as opposed to bruises and broken bones, it has lasting ramifications. And adults that have suffered from CEN have no idea that their current world is being created from a place of lack.

What Makes CEN Invisible?

There are a couple of specifics that make CEN invisible to the victim:

• It can happen in otherwise loving families that do not lack material needs.

• A parent’s failure to respond to your emotional needs is not something that happens to you as a child. It is something that doesn’t happen to you, and therefore, your brain has nothing to record as “proof.”

These adults find themselves creating lives that don’t quite feel right. They may investigate their childhoods, looking for clues, but usually come up with nothing, which can add to their sense of stress and anxiety.

In the end, they feel that something must be innately wrong with them. They take the blame, assuming that they are simply flawed and different from other people who seem to have their acts together.

If you identify with this feeling, here are 5 signs you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect:

1. Fear of Being Dependent on Others

Independence is a good quality to have. But having a deep-seated fear about depending on anyone for anything, never asking for help or support, is not healthy.

2. You Don’t Really Know Yourself

When you meet new people and have to tell them about yourself, do you find it difficult? Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? What you like and don’t like? Victims of CEN tend to not know themselves as well as they should.

3. You’re a People Pleaser

You spend a lot of time trying to meet other people’s needs and pay little attention to your own. You’re hard on yourself but soft with others.

4. You Feel Empty

This can feel different to different people. Maybe you feel an empty sensation in your gut, throat or chest. Maybe you are struggling to find your purpose in life which leaves you feeling empty. Maybe you find it difficult to enjoy the small moments in life. For some it comes and goes, for others, this feeling is there 24/7 – 365.

5. You Have Trouble Feeling Your Emotions

When your emotions were ignored as a child, you never learned how to feel them and express them in healthy ways. As an adult, do you find it hard to identify the feelings you feel, let alone express them to others?

If you’ve just had an A-ha moment and think you may have suffered CEN and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. There is hope and you CAN heal from the invisible wounds and start creating the life you were meant to live.

3 Ways to Improve Communication in Relationships

The number one ingredient to any healthy and stable relationship is good communication. When communication is poor, relationships break down.

Whether they are platonic, romantic or revolve around business, your relationships will thrive if you improve your communication with others. Here’s how:

Be Fully Present

Trust and respect must be earned by both parties. And this requires giving each other your full attention. Keep distractions like cell phones out of the conversation. Make eye contact and fully listen to what the other person is saying and how they are saying it.

Use “I” Statements

One of the biggest things that make a person tune out during a conversation is when they are told they are doing something wrong. "YOU do this" or "YOU do that" is not the best way to get your feelings across.

Try using more “I” statements. These statements focus on your feelings without casting blame on the other person.

So as an example, instead of saying, “You’re always late!” You can instead say, “I worry when you haven’t shown up and I haven’t heard from you.”

See the difference?

Avoid Negative Communication Patterns

Poor communication is typically the result of negative communication patterns. These include things like passive aggressiveness, ignoring the other person when they are speaking, and yelling.

While you may not be able to change your own negative communication patterns overnight, you can commit to becoming more aware of them and when they happen, stop the pattern and change it.

These are just some of the ways you can improve your communication with others. You may also want to seek the guidance of a couples’ therapist who can offer you even more strategies and a safe space to share your feelings.

If you’d like to explore counseling, please reach out to me. We would love to help you reconnect with your partner.

SOURCES:

https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/

https://www.verywellmind.com/communication-in-relationships-why-it-matters-and-how-to-improve-5218269

https://us.calmerry.com/blog/relationships/9-ways-to-improve-communication-in-your-relationship/

How to Deal with Family Drama Around the Holidays

For some of people, spending time with family during the holidays is something straight out of a Hallmark movie with days filled with comfort and joy. But for many others, the holidays with family are scarier than Halloween. From the stress of traveling to the pressure of buying and wrapping gifts, and the fact many family members can’t be in the same room with each other without a fight erupting, holidays can be stressful!

While you can’t necessarily stop family drama from occurring, there are some simple and effective ways you can deal with it:

Have Realistic Expectations

So much of the pain of the holidays comes from having unrealistic expectations. Acknowledge beforehand that you and your family are human and that there may be those moments that aren’t very pleasant and that’s okay. Life and families are messy.

Allow Yourself to Feel

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel (such as disappointment, hurt, or grief). Try not to ignore your feelings or supress them. Recognize and acknoweldge how your impacted by the family dynamics without reacting in hurtful ways to others.

Sometimes sadness and grief come up during the holidays too, which is normal. Family gatherings can remind us of our loved ones who are not here with us anymore. If a loved one has recently died, talk with other family members about the loved one. Discuss how you all might do something special in their memory to acknowledge their absence. Check with your family to see what feels comfortable to everyone. Holidays can be a difficult time for grief, but reminiscing with others can help you heal in the grieving process.

Set Your Boundaries

Time spent with families over the holidays can also trigger us to feel like children all over again, essentially helpless. But you are an adult now and you are not helpless. You can set those boundaries to protect your mental health. Determine before you go what you will tolerate and what you won’t. This can be for simple things like meal times and sleeping accommodations to what topics of discussion you will engage in. Be sure to share your personal limits with all involved.

Use Good Judgement

When the holiday drama sets in, it’s easy to want to drink more or eat more processed foods. But in large amounts, alcohol and processed sugars impair our mood and judgement. Do your best to not overindulge.

You may also want to speak with a therapist in the weeks leading up to the holidays. He or she can give you tools to help you navigate the awkward and tense moments during family get-togethers.

If you’re interested in exploring counseling, please reach out to me. I’d love to help your holidays be warm and merry (or at least tolerable!).

SOURCES:

https://www.hioscar.com/blog/10-healthy-ways-to-deal-with-holiday-family-drama

https://brainmd.com/blog/how-to-avoid-family-drama-during-the-holidays/

https://www.care.com/c/toxic-family-during-the-holidays/

Overcoming Generational Trauma

You know you got your hairline from your Dad’s side of the family and your eye color from your mom. You know diabetes runs in your family, as does heart disease and Parkinson’s.

But do you know that many families also pass down trauma to their loved ones? It’s not just our physical makeup and risk of disease that we inherit from our family, it is also the emotional wounds as well.

What is Transgenerational Trauma?

Before you were born you were in your mother’s womb and very susceptible to her emotions. As your mother felt joy, her body released hormones that made you feel joy.

When she felt sad, scared, or angry, her body released hormones that made her experience these same emotions.

Eventually, you were born and raised in a house that may not always be happy or harmonious. Your parents may have been emotionally distant or even abusive because they may have been brought up by parents who had their own reasons for being emotionally absent or abusive.

Many families have unresolved trauma that works its way through one generation to the next. Those families who have dealt with addiction, depression, anxiety, terror, racism, and the like, often continue to pass on negative emotions, poor behaviors, low self-esteem, and maladaptive coping strategies. These not only lead to a painful and hard life, but they can also lead to chronic health conditions.

It Can Stop With You!

If you have a history of family conflict or trauma, you can be the individual who puts an end to the cycle. You can be the one who begins a new cycle, one of passing down loving communication and positive self-images. 

Of course, it will take work on your part to overcome the pain of your family history. That’s why it’s a good idea to work with a mental health professional who can offer you the right tools and coping strategies that you can then pass down to your own children.

If you’re interested in exploring therapy, please get in touch with me! I’d love to help you end the cycle of trauma in your family.

SOURCES:

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-flourishing-family/202107/breaking-the-chains-generational-trauma

• “Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance” by Kelly McDaniel

How to Heal Your “Mother Wound?”

If you are reading this, I suspect that you have some sort of relationship difficulty with your mother. If you are asking what exactly is a “Mother Wound”? I encourage you to read my previous blog called, “What Is A Mother Wound?” Reading that blog will give you some understanding of what we are talking about in regards to learning how to heal the mother wound.

What Healing the Mother Wound IS NOT

• Hating your mother

• Blaming your mother for what she couldn’t provide 

• Betraying your mother

• Convincing others to hate your mother

• Calling your mother names such as, “borderline,” “bipolar,” “narcissist,” or “crazy”

• Diagnosing your mother with a personality disorder

• Going to therapy with your mother

• Being close with your mother

Healing the Mother Wound

Healing begins when we begin to understand what we didn’t have so that we can give ourselves what was missing. Long term healing comes when we engage both our left brain (cognitive side) and right brain (emotional side) together. We must engage both sides of the brain in a safe and caring presence in order to find effective healing. 

NAMe WHAT IS TRUE

The first step is naming what is true, naming the pain, naming the wounds, and becoming cognitively aware. We cannot change what we are not aware of so cognitive awareness is key. Reading books on the topic, listening to podcasts, and learning about Mother Wounds is cognitive (left brain) but it doesn’t stop there…

ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL

Healing doesn’t stop with “knowing” or being aware. In order to find long-term healing, you must allow yourself to feel the wound. This might involve some grief - grieving what you didn’t get that you needed or grieving how you were hurt. Allowing yourself to feel the longing that desires to be nurtured, protected, or guided is using your right brain.  “After a lifetime of protecting ourselves, the brain simply won’t let go unless we are safe and supported. Your lovely brain is waiting for you to find a guide - someone with no other agenda than to help you find yourself” (Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel).

GIVe YOURSELF WHAT YOU NEEDED

Replacing what you lost and/or didn’t get as a child from your mother can be a difficult task. Nothing truly replaces a mother, but there are ways we can learn to take care of ourselves in ways that we lacked getting growing up. This can look like finding ways to nurture your body and emotions through your senses, such as taking a warm bath, using a comfy blanket to curl up with, taking naps, lighting your favorite scented candle or using your favorite essential oils, moving your body, listening to calming music, or finding someone safe to talk to.

Another part of giving yourself what you needed is reclaiming the love that you need. Surround yourself with good community who are accepting and supportive. Allow yourself to experience compassion from others and offer yourself self-compassion.

SET BOUNDARIES

Setting boundaries can sound harsh at first, but creating a relationship with your mother based on your needs and emotional health regardless if your mother changes or not is important for your healing. Setting boundaries is actually an invitiation to your mother for something more, to something deeper, but you cannot force her to choose something different. That has to be her choice, but you get to choose how you will relate to her by setting boundaries. Essentially, a boundary says, “I am not going to tolerate this behavior anymore for my own health and well-being regardless if you change or not.” This might be one of the most loving things you can do for your mother because it lets her know that her patterns of relating are hurting those around her and it’s up to her at that point to choose something different. And you don’t have to continue letting yourself be hurt by her anymore because your learning to set boundaries.

This is hard work. Most of us cannot do this work on our own which is why I recommend working with an attachment-focused therapist. No matter where you are at in your journey to finding healing from a mother wound, a qualified attachment-focused therapist can help. Reach out to me today if you would like to take the next step in your healing journey.

Sources: 

• “Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance” by Kelly McDaniel

• https://www.motherwoundproject.com/post/3mythsaboutmotherwound

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201910/the-mother-wound

• https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/mother-wound#:~:text=The%20mother%20wound%20isn't,your%20mother's%20own%20trauma%20response.

What is Complex Trauma and What Causes it?

Most of us won’t get through life without our own fair share of stress and heartache. But some people experience not just stress, sadness or grief, but actual trauma. There are two categories of trauma commonly referred to as: Big “”T trauma and Little “t” trauma (also known as complex trauma). 

Big “T” Trauma

Big “T” traumas are isolated incidents such as, being involved in a bad car accident, an isolated rape incident, a natural disaster, or war. The result of experiencing big “T” trauma events is called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a condition where the mind is unable to process the event as it processes ordinary life events. The result is a brain that misfires information, causing the person to live much of their life distressed, as if the event were still happening to them. 

Little “t” trauma

Little “t” traumas (Complex-Trauma) are when someone is repeatedly exposed to extremely threatening events from which they are unable to escape such as, prolonged bullying or harrassment, prolonged emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, prolonged captivity, prolonged domestic violence, prolonged discrimination, or being a refuge. Although little “t” traumas may seem less significant because they are not as life threatening as big “T” traumas, the reality is sometimes little “t” traumas can cause more emotional harm than big “T” traumas. The result of little “t” traumas is Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). C-PTSD can also develop from traumas experienced during a child’s developmental years such as, childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, exposure to domestic violence, having a parent with an untreated mental illness, and having a parent who abuses alcohol or other substances. 

Symptoms of PTSD (results of Big “T” traumas):

• Nightmares

• Flashbacks

• Psychological and physiological distress at reminders

• Avoidance of internal and external reminders

• Dissociative amnesia

• Negative beliefs about oneself and the world

• Distorted blaming of oneself

• Negative persistent emotional states

• Loss of interests

• Detachment from loved ones

• Hyper vigilance

• Exaggerated startle response

• Difficulty concentrating

• Difficulty sleeping

• Irritability or outbursts of anger

• Self-destructive or reckless behavior

Symptoms of C-PTSD (results of Little “t” traumas)":

Includes all the same symptoms of PTSD in addition to any of the following:

• Re-experiencing Symptoms:

  • Flashbacks, such as vivid images, overwhelming emotions, or disturbing sensations

  • Nightmares or wake up in a fright

  • Thinking about the traumatic events at an inconvenient time

  • Reliving traumatic events

  • Feeling triggered in a way that leaves you feeling overwhelmed, shaky, anxious, shutdown, helpless, and/or collapsed

• Avoidance Symptoms:

  • Staying away from people or places that remind you of traumatic events

  • Tendency to withdraw or isolate yourself

  • Relying on alcohol, substances, nicotine, or food to avoid feeling your pain

  • Spending hours watching T.V. or playing video games

  • Difficulty admitting to yourself that you were abused or neglected

  • Spending so much time caring for others that you ignore yourself

  • Perfectionist or highly critical of yourself and others

  • Focusing so much on work so you don’t have to feel or think about the past

• Persistent Perceptions of Current Threat:

  • Feeling hyper aware or on guard

  • Startled easily 

  • Finding yourself constantly checking your environment for signs of threats

  • Always needing an escape plan

  • Tend to expect the worst

  • Highly sensitive to subtle changes in other people’s body language and facial expressions

• Affect Dysregulation

  • You tend to cry uncontrollably, even after a minor, everyday challenge

  • Taking you a long time to feel better after a stressful event

  • Frequently feeling angry or irritable

  • Having a hard time controlling your anger

  • Tend to feel anxious or panicky

  • Often feel hopeless or depressed

  • Times when you feel you would be better off dead or you think about suicide

  • Sometimes you feel the urge to harmself

  • You tend to spend time with people or in places that are dangerous

  • You tend to feel numb and cut off from your emotions

  • Feeling incapable of feeling joy or pleasure

• Negative Self-Concept

  • Feeling like you have little control over your life no matter what you do 

  • Often feeling ineffective or powerless

  • Feeling like a failure

  • Believing that you are damaged 

  • Having little hope for your future

  • Often feeling ashamed, guilty, or unworthy

  • Feeling as though something is wrong with you

  • Difficulty finding a sense of purpose or meaning to your life 

• Interpersonal Disturbances

  • Feeling disconnected from other people

  • Tendency to avoid spending time with other people

  • Difficulty trusting other people or knowing who you can trust

  • Difficulty doing things on your own or feeling that you rely to heavily on other people

  • Terrified of being left or abandoned by others

  • Finding it difficult to hear other people’s viewpoints or perspectives

  • Tendencies to avoid conflict 

• Dissociative Symptoms: 

  • Sometimes finding yourself staring into space or realize that you have been daydreaming for long periods of time

  • Difficulty paying attention or getting distracted easily 

  • Suddenly getting tired, feeling far away, or as if you’re looking at the world through a fog

  • Are there times when people, objects, or the world feels unreal

  • Sometimes feeling disconnected from your body or emotionally numb

  • Feeling like you are different people in different situations

  • Sometimes feeling, acting, or talking like a younger person

  • Difficulty remembering broad periods of your life

  • Sometimes arriving at places and don’t know how you got there, or find things that you have bought but don’t remember buying them

How Can Complex Trauma be Treated?

One of the most effective forms of treatment for C-PTSD is something called an integrative, mind-body approach. This kind of therapy involves meeting with a trauma therapist over a number of sessions to learn techniques that will reduce symptoms of C-PTSD, re-processing traumatic memories, and finding emotional freedom. Beyond finding a trained therapist, it’s important to find one you feel comfortable with, so make sure to interview a few candidates to see who might help you on your journey to healing.

If you or a loved one are suffering from C-PTSD and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to see how I may be able to help.

SOURCES

The Complex PTSD Treatment Manual: An Integrative, Mind-Body Approach to Trauma Recovery by Arielle Schwartz, PhD

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/ptsd/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-causes/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/trauma

https://journeypureriver.com/big-t-little-t-trauma/

Mental Health Effects of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is not as easy to spot as physical abuse, but oftentimes its effects can be just as traumatic. Emotional abuse can involve a wide range of tactics, including gaslighting, shaming and manipulation. All of these are intended to leave the victim feeling confused, powerless and hopeless.

Typically people suffer from long-term or short-term emotional abuse, and depending on the length of time, there can be varying mental health effects.

Long-term emotional abuse happens over many years. Examples are a child growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent or a sibling with anger issues. Someone may find themselves in a marriage with a narcissistic partner.

Short-term emotional abuse can result from a nasty exchange with a stranger or micro-interactions with colleagues or neighbors.

The following are some short-term and long-term effects of emotional abuse:

Short-Term Effects

• Isolation or a sense of deep loneliness

• Self-doubt

• Shame

• Confusion

• Low self-esteem

• Anxiety connected with social interactions

• Feelings of powerlessness

Long-term Effects

• Neuroticism, or the tendency toward a depressed mood or negative emotions like anger

• Chronic stress

• Physical health issues like muscle tension and shortness of breath

• Attachment issues

• Apathy

• Eating disorders

• PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) or CPTSD (chronic post-traumatic stress disorder)

You Can Heal from Emotional Abuse

With time, patience and plenty of self-compassion, it is very possible to heal from the trauma of emotional abuse. Working with a mental health professional who has been trained specifically to help people who have been the victim of emotional abuse is a great starting point.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.

SOURCES:

https://psychcentral.com/health/effects-of-emotional-abuse

http://aware-ae.com/emotional-abuse-and-its-impact-on-mental-health/

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/327080

Is My Anger Normal, Or Should I Seek Help?

Life wouldn’t be life without those little irritants that push our buttons. And when our buttons get pushed, it’s completely natural to feel angry. In fact, anger is a normal emotion that can facilitate better communication and positive change when expressed appropriately.

But for some people, managing their own anger is challenging. Usually these people are the last to know they even have what others may describe as “toxic” or “out-of-control” anger. That’s because their loved ones have gotten used to regulating their anger for them by hiding their own feelings, choosing their words carefully, and walking on egg shells, all in an effort to “keep the peace.”

Common Reasons for Intense Anger

If you are uncertain whether or not you may have anger issues, read the following common reasons for intense anger and see if any of them ring true for you.

Anger as a Way to Self-Soothe

Self-medication, as a way to deal with life’s pain, is very common. For those with anger issues, there is a biochemical explanation as to why you may fly off the handle and often.

One of the hormones secreted by the brain during a fit of anger is called norepinephrine, which acts as an analgesic, or pain reliever. When we are triggered, often that trigger digs up deep wounds and past hurts, whether we are aware of it or not.

Becoming angry in the moment releases a powerful brain chemical that numbs our emotional pain so we don’t feel vulnerable, ignored, unimportant, rejected, or worthless. But as with any drug, a person can become addicted to their own anger because they become addicted to the chemical reaction of it.

Self-Empowerment

Another chemical released by the brain during a fit of anger is called epinephrine. While norepinephrine acts like a pain reliver, epinephrine acts like an amphetamine, allowing us to feel a sudden surge of energy throughout our entire body.

This adrenaline rush counteracts our feeling of powerlessness in the moment, or maybe in our life in general. How seductive is that? Many medical experts will tell you that epinephrine is every bit as addictive as alcohol and cocaine, so it’s no wonder so many people are addicted to their own anger.

Anger the “Secondary Emotion”

Often counselors and therapists refer to anger as a secondary emotion. This is labeled as such not because it is somehow “second” but it is because usually anger is signal that a more difficult emotion is being hidden underneath. As stated above often times these emotions are ones of sadness, powerlessness, helplessness, anxiety, and weakness. Out of our fear of others seeing these emotions and us risk being harmed in this vulnerable state we power up and turn to anger instead.

“Safe” Attachment

Some of us don’t feel safe in a relationship without a safe bit of distance. This is typically a response to a parent or caretaker being unavailable, unresponsive, or untrustworthy in our past. The adult children of these types of parents feel the need to cultivate a certain emotional detachment in their relationships, and anger is a very effective way of doing that.

Tips for Managing Anger

1. Recognize the problem

As with a substance addiction, it’s important to recognize and admit you may have a problem.

2. Monitor your behavior

Keep an anger journal and log behavior you noticed or you were accused of by others. Note the incident, trigger, and the intensity of your anger from 0-10. Often just seeing your anger on paper will offer some insights into where it’s coming from.

3. Feel your anger but don’t act on it

Bottling up emotions is never the answer. It’s important for us to feel our feelings, ALL of them. But it’s equally important to regulate our actions. Walk away from potential fights and don’t send that angry email.

4. Get some help

Speaking with someone about your anger can often help. By uncovering the emotions underneath the anger, you can diffuse it and begin to heal from past traumas.

If you feel you may have an issue with anger and would like to explore therapy, please get in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

What is a Mother Wound?

A “mother wound” is not a term we often hear, so if you’re wondering if you or someone you care about has a “mother wound,” you have come to the right place. 

There is no official clinical mental health diagnosis for the mother wound, but it is a form of complex trauma that can be passed down from one generation to the next. The mother wound is most often associated with daughters and mothers, but sometimes sons can have mother wounds as well. 

What is a Mother Wound? 

To put it simply, the mother wound is the loss or lack of mothering - the loss or lack of getting what we needed as a child growing up from our mother. Much of how we develop our sense of self and who we are comes from our mother as Kristina Robb-Dover says in her article “How to Heal from a ‘Mother Wound’ and Family Trauma.” When we are nurtured, protected, and cared for it develops a sense of security within us and trust with others. How we develop within the context of relationship with our mother often shapes how we view ourselves, others, and the world. 

“Maternal love is our first experience of what love feels like, and the maternal care we receive informs how we feel about ourselves throughout life” (McDaniel, 2021). 

In Stephi Wagner’s article, “What is the Mother Wound,” she describes that the mother wound happens when a mother causes their child pain and/or trauma in the context of relationship with their mother. The harm can happen at any stage of their life - infant, child, teen, or adult. The harm could have been a one-time event or ongoing for a long period of time.  

The Mother Wound can take several different forms as listed below:

Emotional Mother Wound

• Manipulative

• Guilt trip 

• Emotional caretaker of your mother

• Gaslighting 

• Verbal abuse

• Mocking

• Shaming

• Showing favoritism 

• Parentification

• Neglect

Physical Mother Wound

• Hitting 

• Spanking

• Swatting

• Pinching

• Beating

• Slapping

• Smacking

Sexual Mother Wound

• Body shaming

• Sexual abuse

• Slut shaming

• Rejecting of sexual orientation

• Silence when another adult does the above

Spiritual / Religious Mother Wound

• Forced prayer

• Mandatory service attendance

• Coerced beliefs

• “Because god says”

• rejection of chosen spiritual beliefs

Economic / Financial Mother Wound

• Using money / purchased to manipulate

• Controlling access to money / purchased items

• Destruction of property

• Evicting or threatening eviction 

The Signs and Symptoms of the Mother Wound

In Stephi Wagner’s article, “What is the Mother Wound,”  and Sherry Gaba’s article, who is a Licensed Social Worker, “The Mother Wound” they state that the following are signs and symptoms that you may have a mother wound: 

• Feeling overly responsible for the feelings of others

• Pattern of dismissing your own needs and feelings 

• History of unfulfilling, difficult or even broken relationships

• Inability to handle conflict confidently and effectively

• Difficulty saying no, setting boundaries, or asserting yourself

• Struggles with ongoing depression and/or anxiety

• Discomfort with an even hatred towards your own body

• Sexual inhibition and/or dysfunction coupled with insecurity regarding sex and pleasure

• Persistent sense you are either “too much” or “not enough”

• Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, self-loathing, guilt, and shame

• Caring too much about the judgements and opinions of others

• Eating disorders

• Addictions

• Never feeling like you had your mothers approval or acceptance 

• Concerns about not being loved by their mother or not being loved as much as other siblings or family members

• Difficulties in relating to the mother on an emotional level

• Uncertainty about the relationship with the mother and if it could be lost with a mistake or an accident

• Always trying to do better or to be perfect, to attempt to gain your mother's attention and acceptance

• Feelings of having to protect, care for, or shelter your mother rather than her protecting, caring for and sheltering you

If any of these signs or symptoms resonate with you, it is important you seek professional help to learn how to navigate these wounds and find healing. Most of us cannot do this work on our own which is why I recommend working with an attachment-focused therapist. No matter where you are at in your journey to finding healing from a mother wound, a qualified attachment-focused therapist can help. Reach out to me today if you would like to take the next step in your healing journey.

SOURCES:

• “Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance” by Kelly McDaniel

• https://www.motherwoundproject.com/post/3mythsaboutmotherwound

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201910/the-mother-wound

• https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/mother-wound#:~:text=The%20mother%20wound%20isn't,your%20mother's%20own%20trauma%20response.

• https://fherehab.com/learning/heal-mother-wound-trauma

• https://www.healthline.com/health/mother-wound#healing

• https://www.motherwoundproject.com/post/whatisthemotherwound 

How Narcissistic Parents Affect Mental Health in Children

For many children, childhood is a time of wonder, play, and discovery. These children have parents who give them the safety and security to explore the world around them and grow to reach their full potential. 

But some children have one or more parents who lack the right skills or behavior to allow their children to feel safe, secure, and unconditionally loved. Those children who are raised by someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often experience prolonged trauma, and the effects of this trauma can linger into adulthood.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

When we hear the word narcissist, we often think of certain politicians or celebrities who are known for their boastful and arrogant behavior. And while these traits are definitely annoying, narcissism is far more complex and destructive to those in the relationship with the narcissist, particularly children.

The main characteristics of narcissism are a lack of empathy and the inability to recognize the emotional needs of others. Narcissistic parents also tend to view their offspring as competition while simultaneously denying them independent personhood. 

Some other key characteristics of narcissistic parents include:

• Codependency

• Inflexible

• Liars

• Manipulators

• Superficial

• Self-involved

• Superior

How Does a Narcissistic Parent Affect a Child’s Mental Health?

The following are some common ways kids, and adult children of narcissists, feel about themselves and life in general:

Low Self-Worth

You grow up feeling unseen and unheard. Your emotional needs never really mattered. You might feel more valued by the parent for what you do rather than for who you are.

Codependency

Narcissistic parents make sure it’s ALWAYS about them. Children grow up feeling 100% responsible for making sure their parent’s needs (financial, emotional, and otherwise) are taken care of. Children or adult children may feel that they only exist to serve the parent. They do not learn how to form healthy boundaries, only how to please others.

Crippling Self-Doubt

Narcissists are liars and manipulators. They will “gaslight” their children into believing a false reality and questioning their own sanity. As a result, children grow up with crippling self-doubt, never believing they can trust their own feelings or thoughts.

If you believe one or both of your parents was a narcissist and you are suffering from any of these aftereffects, you CAN heal. Working with a therapist who specializes in recovery from narcissistic abuse can put you on the path to self-love, self-compassion, and greater joy and intimacy with others.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me.

RESOURCES:

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201405/narcissistic-parents-psychological-effect-their-children

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201802/the-real-effect-narcissistic-parenting-children

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

How To Begin Healing After a Personal Trauma

No one is ever prepared for a tragedy. In fact, most of us go through our lives believing that tragedies happen to other people.

When people do experience a distressing or life-threatening event, such as a car accident, natural disaster, or terrorist attack, they often develop extreme anxiety or PTSD. Many develop ongoing problems with their personal relationships and their own self-esteem.

Everyone deals with trauma in their own way. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to respond to a tragic or terrifying event. Don’t let anyone, not even yourself, tell you that you should respond in a certain way.

Having said that, there are steps you can take to begin to heal and regain control of your life.

Accept Your Feelings

Ignoring your feelings of fear, shock, rage, terror, confusion, or guilt will only slow your recovery. In the moment, you may feel you must avoid your emotions. But, whether you accept or push them away, your feelings are real, and feeling them is necessary for healing. The good news is, even intense feelings will pass if you simply allow yourself to feel them.

Reframe Your Identity

After experiencing a traumatic event, it is common to feel helpless and out of control. To fully recover from the event, it is important that you eventually reframe your identity and challenge your feelings of helplessness. You can do this by taking action. Being proactive – even in small ways – will help you overcome feelings of fear and helplessness.

Consider volunteering for a cause that’s important to you. If that is too much of a time commitment, you could simply focus on helping a friend or neighbor. This will help you feel more powerful and in control of your environment.

Reach Out to Others

It is common for people to want to withdraw from loved ones and social activities following a tragic event, but connecting with others is necessary for recovery. Though you may not feel up to taking part in huge gatherings like you once did, a simple face to face conversation with a close friend or relative can trigger hormones that relieve stress.

You don't need talk about the event with your loved ones if you aren't up for it, just simply spending time with them will help you feel more “normal.” Of course, if you feel like you need to talk about your feelings, reach out to those who love you and who can support you. You may also want to look into support groups in your local area so you can be around others who know what you are going through.

And finally, you may want to consider seeking guidance from a professional therapist who is trained in helping people who have experienced a traumatic event. They can help you navigate your emotions as well as give you tools to get back on your feet.

If you have experienced a traumatic event and feel you could use some guidance on your journey back toward peace and joy, please get in touch with me. You don’t have to suffer with your burden alone.

You Are Not Alone: Finding Support as a Male Sexual Abuse Survivor

On an almost daily basis we hear stories of female sexual harassment and abuse in the media. Sadly, male sexual abuse is fairly common, but the issue is underreported by the media and society in general.

One US-based study found that 1 in 6 boys experience some form of sexual abuse by the age of 18. Other research suggests the ratio may be as high as 1 in 4.

Why is this conduct not reported more often?

To start, most men are embarrassed to be the victim of sexual abuse, particularly when it is perpetrated by other men. In our culture, it is often felt by men that part of masulinity is being invulnerable and not be affected by emotional pain or traumatic experiences. In other words, guys are supposed to be the strong, silent type. It simply goes against the silent rules of being a man to acknowledge trauma and admit that you are suffering.

As a result, male victims of sexual abuse shove their feelings down and deny what happened. This repression of experience and emotion can and often does lead to isolation, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, and fear. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), major depression, anxiety, and substance abuse are also common among victims of male sexual abuse.

It’s important to get help. 

If you are the victim of sexual abuse, understand that you are far from alone. As the topic becomes more mainstream, there is less judgement by those who don’t understand how a man could be victimized in such a way. Education regarding male sexual abuse and demystifying misconceptions surrounding rape is essential to help male survivors heal and speak out.

While more needs to be done to bring this subject to mass awareness, it’s important that individual victims seek support. A therapist will be able to help you deal with your complex emotions and offer strategies to move through and past feelings of depression and anxiety. In time, healing can and does occur.

If you or someone you know is a male victim of sexual abuse and would like to discuss treatment options, please get in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Resources:

RAINN - Sexual Assault in Men & Boys

Book: "The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse" by Dan Allender

Book: "Healing the Wounded Heart: The Heartache of Sexual Abuse and the Hope of Transformation" by Dan Allender

How to Tell Your Partner About Your Past Sexual Abuse

Relationships always start out on a high note. Your mutual attraction combined with your commonalities stirs up your feelings, while finding out about your differences and exploring the world together makes your relationship fresh and exciting. When your relationship starts to become more intimate, you may start to wonder when the right time is for you to open up to your partner about your past sexual abuse.

Being a survivor of sexual assault is, unfortunately, not uncommon. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in three women and one in six men in the United States experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime. So when is the right time to open up to your partner about your past, and how do you tell them?

Share When You Are Ready

It’s important as a survivor that you are in control of when you share your story. Center yourself around your own needs and share only when you’re ready, and not before. You may need to discuss it first with a therapist, counselor, friend or support group.

Know What You Need

Know in advance what you’ll need to get through this discussion. You may need your partner to not ask questions, or to not touch you while you’re talking. Be honest and upfront, and ask for support when you need it.

Prepare for a Response

How people respond to your story will vary widely. Hearing sexual abuse disclosures affect both the person telling the story, as well as the person listening. Your partner may be silent for a while as they take in the information and consider what to say. Give them time to process it. If it will make you more comfortable, you can ask them to give you some time before you discuss the matter again.

Opening up and discussing difficult, sensitive topics with your partner is never easy. But these challenging times are often the ones that create milestones in your relationship, and will ultimately bring the two of you closer than ever.

Are you a sexual abuse survivor and in need of guidance and counseling? A professional counselor can help. Call my office today and let’s set up a time to talk.

Resources:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

https://www.rainn.org/resources

Victim Service Center of Central Florida

Signs of Depression

Depression is more common that some might think. According to hopkinsmedicine.org, approximately 9.5% of American adults will suffer from a depressive illness each year.

It’s natural to feel down or anxious from time to time. However, prolonged feelings of hopelessness and despair could be a sign of something more. When these emotions grab hold, and won’t let go, it is likely you may have depression. Depression makes every day a constant challenge. You no longer enjoy life as you once did. Just getting out of bed can feel overwhelming.

But, through education, therapy, and sometimes medication, you can find relief from depression and get back to the life you were meant to live.

If you’re unsure of whether you are suffering from depression, read on to learn common signs and symptoms of depression.

SIGNS OF DEPRESSION

How can you tell if you are depressed? It may seem like an odd question, but a surprising number of people do not recognize that they may be suffering from depression. While some signs are obvious, others can be subtle.

Every individual will manifest symptoms in a different way, so it’s important to recognize any changes in your behavior. With this in mind, here are some signs you might be struggling with depression.

Clinical Symptoms of Depression

For a diagnosis of depression, the time requirement states that symptoms have been present for two or more weeks.

• Feeling sad most of the day, nearly every day

• Feeling a sense of hopelessness

• Fatigue or lack of energy

• Lack of interest or pleasure in activities / Loss of motivation

• Irritability

• Appetite or weight change

• Sleep disturbance (trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, or sleeping too much)

• Moving or talking more slowly, or more quickly, than normal

• Feeling restless or fidgeting

• Decreased ability to focus, remember, or make decisions

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt

• Thoughts of suicide or death, or attempting to end one’s life

All symptoms are not experienced by every individual, some may only experience a few of the symptoms listed above. The frequency and severity to which one experiences symptoms will also vary from one individual to the next, and without treatment may worsen over time.

Additional Signs of Depression

Anger & Irritability

It has been said that anger is depression turned inward. If you suddenly find yourself with a short fuse, and things that used to not bother you now cause you to fly off the handle, it may be a sign you need some help.

Physical Ailments

Many people don’t realize that depression can manifest itself physically. It is common for sufferers to feel sick to their stomach with whole body aches. Some may find they seem to have a cold or flu that won’t go away, while others may notice their chronic conditions, such as arthritis, are exacerbated by depression.

CAUSES & RISK FACTORS FOR DEPRESSION

Any one of the following could contribute to some developing depression.

• Trauma

• Stress

• Physical illness

• Medications

• Individual or family history

• Life changes

• Low self-esteem

• Biochemistry: Certain chemicals in the brain may be off balance contributing to depression

• Continuous exposure to violence, neglect, abuse or poverty may make some people more vulnerable to depression.

What can you do about it?

• Seek treatment from a mental health professional

• Consider the possibility that medication might be helpful, at least temporarily

• Increase exercise

• Talk to friends or family

• Make a conscious effort not to isolate yourself from others

• Get outdoors – get some fresh air and sunlight

• Eat nutritious foods

It is important to recognize these signs and symptoms so you may seek treatment as soon as possible. While depression may feel like a life sentence, reaching out for help will put you on the path toward healing and peace once again.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

For more information:

• National Institute for Mental Health

• American Psychiatric Association

• National Alliance for Mental Illness

5 Signs Your Partner May Be Addicted To Pornography

All addictions negatively impact a relationship, and pornography addiction is certainly no exception. The adult entertainment industry generates billions of dollars annually, and with an estimated 40 million Americans visiting porn sites regularly, pornography addiction is a problem for many families.

With an estimated 28% of women viewing online pornography versus 72% of men, pornography addiction isn’t a problem specific to men; women can also become addicted. If you’re concerned that your partner has developed an addiction to pornography, here are some signs to look out for.

They spend a lot of time on the internet

The porn addict will spend hours, and sometimes even days, online viewing pornography. If your spouse spends an increasing amount of time alone, either with a phone, laptop or tablet, he or she may be developing an obsession with pornography.

They’re critical of you

Porn stars are typically young and attractive, often times surgically enhanced. The more your partner watches pornography, the more negatively you may be compared to the models he or she is watching. Porn addicts tend to objectify their partner, and as your spouse spends increasing amounts of time watching porn, they may start to become critical of your body.

Unusual spending activity

Checking your bank or credit card statements, you may find unexpected or unexplained charges. Adult entertainment websites will often mask the charges to benefit the confidentiality of their customers, so you may have to do a Google search or make some phone calls to uncover the source of the charges.

Your sex life has changed

When someone is addicted to pornography, they may no longer have the drive or desire to maintain a sex life with their partner. Conversely, some addicts become more demanding. They may want to engage in acts you’re not comfortable with. As a person becomes more and more addicted to pornography, they will have to watch increasingly unusual material. This may result in your partner becoming more rough or aggressive.

Increased Irritability

Often when someone is involved in an addiction there is an intense cycle of shame and guilt often leaving the person dealing with a lot self contempt. This causes the person to be easily agitated when approached with small criticisms or corrective feedback, as the person already has a strong negative view of self. This is also shown when they struggle to complete simple or small tasks or feelings of failure in other places. This leads the the person responding in anger towards themself and others.

So what can you do if you suspect your partner is addicted to porn?

First, know that his or her addiction is not your fault. People become addicted as a way of coping with unwanted feelings and emotions, or as a way to avoid real life stress or difficulties. Second, seek support from trusted loved ones and find a therapist who can help you both on the road to recovery.

Is your relationship suffering because of pornography addiction? A trained, mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.

What is Emotional Incest?

Many of us grew up in households that were dysfunctional, where boundaries between parents and adults were blurred in unhealthy ways. Emotional incest is not of a sexual nature, but it does describe unhealthy emotional interactions between adults and children that are psychologically inappropriate.

What this looks like in a real-life is a parent treating their child as a partner, relying on them for emotional support and care. Here are some of the classic ways parents cross this line:

Asking a Child for Advice

When a parent turns to their child for advice about marital issues, sexual problems, financial worries, etc. this blurs the boundaries and causes the child to feel anxiety they should not be privy to.

Ego Booster

Narcissistic parents often look to their children to give them a much-needed ego boost. With the parent’s ego being a priority, the child’s emotional needs take a backseat.

BFF Syndrome

A parent should never be best friends with their child as this results in many boundaries being blurred. And a child should never be a trusted confidante to their parent.

Therapist

Parents that turn to their child for comfort during an emotional crisis rob the child of learning age-appropriate socialization. These children will, most likely, grow into codependent adults, seeking approval from others by taking care of THEIR emotional needs.

Emotional Incest Outcomes

Emotional incest is sometimes called “covert” incest because while it’s not sexual, the outcomes of this family dynamic are often similar.

• Trouble setting healthy boundaries

• Eating disorders

• Self-harm

• Low self-esteem

• Sexual intimacy issues

• Substance abuse/addiction

• Obsessive/compulsive issues

Healing from Emotional Incest

When a child grows up and leaves the unhealthy environment and dynamic, that does not mean they won’t experience any lasting repercussions. Most adults will suffer from at least one of the outcomes I just listed.

The good news is, through counseling, victims of emotional incest can heal and live a healthy and satisfying life filled with strong emotional connections.

If you believe you are suffering from lingering effects of emotional incest and would like to speak to someone who specializes in this area, please reach out to me.

SOURCES:

• https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotional-incest-when-is-close-too-close#1

• https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-covert-incest-when-parents-make-their-kids-partners-0914165

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-thriving/201812/is-it-possible-be-too-close-your-parent-or-child

The Truth About Perfectionism

We live in a society that values things that appear perfect. And I suppose there are things that can be perfect. Architects can draw the perfect straight line, mathematicians can solve an equation with a perfect calculation, and a chocolate cake can be perfectly moist.

But as human beings, we can never reach a state of perfection because we will always be a work in progress. Perfection indicates a finality – a finished product – but we as humans are always growing and changing.

What is Perfectionism?

Many people view perfectionism as a positive attribute. They believe the more “perfect” they are, the more success they will have in life.

Perfectionism is NOT the same thing as always doing your best. It is important that we always do our best. By doing so, we can experience healthy achievements and growth. But perfectionism takes this concept to the extreme.

People with perfectionist tendencies often have self-defeating thoughts and/or behaviors that actually make it HARDER to achieve their goals.

Perfectionism can often be a by-product of what’s already going on inside a person. It may be a symptom of deeper rooted problems including stress, anxiety, depression, burn out, or OCD. Perfectionism can lead to more serious negative consequences as well, including depression, eating disorders, or suicide. Perfectionism can also have a negative impact on the individual’s relationships because they come to expect perfectionism from everyone around them.

Signs to Look For

Most human beings, from time to time, will strive for perfectionism in some aspect of their life. As an example, that “perfectly moist chocolate cake” I mentioned earlier got that way because the person who baked it was trying to get everything JUST RIGHT as a gift for someone’s birthday.

But there are those people who are “full-time” perfectionists. They strive for perfection in all aspects of their life.

Here are some signs you may be a perfectionist:

• You don’t like to attempt tasks or activities unless you feel you can complete them perfectly.

• You are end-oriented, meaning you focus little on the process of creating or learning something and put all of the emphasis on the outcome.

• You cannot see a task as having been completed unless it meets your perfectionist standards.

• You tend to procrastinate because you don’t like starting a task until you know you can perfectly complete it.

• You tend to take far longer completing tasks than others. This can be problematic at work.

Getting Help

Again, perfectionism is not the same thing as doing your best. It is a condition whereby the individual is almost incapable of feeling joy or pride at what they accomplish because in their own minds, they are never quite good enough.

If you believe you may have traits of perfectionism and it is causing you stress, there are things you can do to find healing and freedom so you can live a healthier and happier life.

Therapy and counseling is often helpful in treating perfectionism. If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.

SOURCES:

• https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/perfectionism/overcome

• https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/perfectionism