5 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect

For many individuals, childhood is a time of wonder and adventure; a time when all needs are met and comfort is merely a whimper away.

And yet for others, childhood never feels quite safe or secure. For these people, emotional neglect was something that colored their early years and affects them as adults.

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is the result of parents not responding enough to the emotional needs of their children. While it is an invisible form of suffering, as opposed to bruises and broken bones, it has lasting ramifications. And adults that have suffered from CEN have no idea that their current world is being created from a place of lack.

What Makes CEN Invisible?

There are a couple of specifics that make CEN invisible to the victim:

• It can happen in otherwise loving families that do not lack material needs.

• A parent’s failure to respond to your emotional needs is not something that happens to you as a child. It is something that doesn’t happen to you, and therefore, your brain has nothing to record as “proof.”

These adults find themselves creating lives that don’t quite feel right. They may investigate their childhoods, looking for clues, but usually come up with nothing, which can add to their sense of stress and anxiety.

In the end, they feel that something must be innately wrong with them. They take the blame, assuming that they are simply flawed and different from other people who seem to have their acts together.

If you identify with this feeling, here are 5 signs you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect:

1. Fear of Being Dependent on Others

Independence is a good quality to have. But having a deep-seated fear about depending on anyone for anything, never asking for help or support, is not healthy.

2. You Don’t Really Know Yourself

When you meet new people and have to tell them about yourself, do you find it difficult? Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? What you like and don’t like? Victims of CEN tend to not know themselves as well as they should.

3. You’re a People Pleaser

You spend a lot of time trying to meet other people’s needs and pay little attention to your own. You’re hard on yourself but soft with others.

4. You Feel Empty

This can feel different to different people. Maybe you feel an empty sensation in your gut, throat or chest. Maybe you are struggling to find your purpose in life which leaves you feeling empty. Maybe you find it difficult to enjoy the small moments in life. For some it comes and goes, for others, this feeling is there 24/7 – 365.

5. You Have Trouble Feeling Your Emotions

When your emotions were ignored as a child, you never learned how to feel them and express them in healthy ways. As an adult, do you find it hard to identify the feelings you feel, let alone express them to others?

If you’ve just had an A-ha moment and think you may have suffered CEN and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. There is hope and you CAN heal from the invisible wounds and start creating the life you were meant to live.

What is Complex Trauma and What Causes it?

Most of us won’t get through life without our own fair share of stress and heartache. But some people experience not just stress, sadness or grief, but actual trauma. There are two categories of trauma commonly referred to as: Big “”T trauma and Little “t” trauma (also known as complex trauma). 

Big “T” Trauma

Big “T” traumas are isolated incidents such as, being involved in a bad car accident, an isolated rape incident, a natural disaster, or war. The result of experiencing big “T” trauma events is called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a condition where the mind is unable to process the event as it processes ordinary life events. The result is a brain that misfires information, causing the person to live much of their life distressed, as if the event were still happening to them. 

Little “t” trauma

Little “t” traumas (Complex-Trauma) are when someone is repeatedly exposed to extremely threatening events from which they are unable to escape such as, prolonged bullying or harrassment, prolonged emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, prolonged captivity, prolonged domestic violence, prolonged discrimination, or being a refuge. Although little “t” traumas may seem less significant because they are not as life threatening as big “T” traumas, the reality is sometimes little “t” traumas can cause more emotional harm than big “T” traumas. The result of little “t” traumas is Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). C-PTSD can also develop from traumas experienced during a child’s developmental years such as, childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, exposure to domestic violence, having a parent with an untreated mental illness, and having a parent who abuses alcohol or other substances. 

Symptoms of PTSD (results of Big “T” traumas):

• Nightmares

• Flashbacks

• Psychological and physiological distress at reminders

• Avoidance of internal and external reminders

• Dissociative amnesia

• Negative beliefs about oneself and the world

• Distorted blaming of oneself

• Negative persistent emotional states

• Loss of interests

• Detachment from loved ones

• Hyper vigilance

• Exaggerated startle response

• Difficulty concentrating

• Difficulty sleeping

• Irritability or outbursts of anger

• Self-destructive or reckless behavior

Symptoms of C-PTSD (results of Little “t” traumas)":

Includes all the same symptoms of PTSD in addition to any of the following:

• Re-experiencing Symptoms:

  • Flashbacks, such as vivid images, overwhelming emotions, or disturbing sensations

  • Nightmares or wake up in a fright

  • Thinking about the traumatic events at an inconvenient time

  • Reliving traumatic events

  • Feeling triggered in a way that leaves you feeling overwhelmed, shaky, anxious, shutdown, helpless, and/or collapsed

• Avoidance Symptoms:

  • Staying away from people or places that remind you of traumatic events

  • Tendency to withdraw or isolate yourself

  • Relying on alcohol, substances, nicotine, or food to avoid feeling your pain

  • Spending hours watching T.V. or playing video games

  • Difficulty admitting to yourself that you were abused or neglected

  • Spending so much time caring for others that you ignore yourself

  • Perfectionist or highly critical of yourself and others

  • Focusing so much on work so you don’t have to feel or think about the past

• Persistent Perceptions of Current Threat:

  • Feeling hyper aware or on guard

  • Startled easily 

  • Finding yourself constantly checking your environment for signs of threats

  • Always needing an escape plan

  • Tend to expect the worst

  • Highly sensitive to subtle changes in other people’s body language and facial expressions

• Affect Dysregulation

  • You tend to cry uncontrollably, even after a minor, everyday challenge

  • Taking you a long time to feel better after a stressful event

  • Frequently feeling angry or irritable

  • Having a hard time controlling your anger

  • Tend to feel anxious or panicky

  • Often feel hopeless or depressed

  • Times when you feel you would be better off dead or you think about suicide

  • Sometimes you feel the urge to harmself

  • You tend to spend time with people or in places that are dangerous

  • You tend to feel numb and cut off from your emotions

  • Feeling incapable of feeling joy or pleasure

• Negative Self-Concept

  • Feeling like you have little control over your life no matter what you do 

  • Often feeling ineffective or powerless

  • Feeling like a failure

  • Believing that you are damaged 

  • Having little hope for your future

  • Often feeling ashamed, guilty, or unworthy

  • Feeling as though something is wrong with you

  • Difficulty finding a sense of purpose or meaning to your life 

• Interpersonal Disturbances

  • Feeling disconnected from other people

  • Tendency to avoid spending time with other people

  • Difficulty trusting other people or knowing who you can trust

  • Difficulty doing things on your own or feeling that you rely to heavily on other people

  • Terrified of being left or abandoned by others

  • Finding it difficult to hear other people’s viewpoints or perspectives

  • Tendencies to avoid conflict 

• Dissociative Symptoms: 

  • Sometimes finding yourself staring into space or realize that you have been daydreaming for long periods of time

  • Difficulty paying attention or getting distracted easily 

  • Suddenly getting tired, feeling far away, or as if you’re looking at the world through a fog

  • Are there times when people, objects, or the world feels unreal

  • Sometimes feeling disconnected from your body or emotionally numb

  • Feeling like you are different people in different situations

  • Sometimes feeling, acting, or talking like a younger person

  • Difficulty remembering broad periods of your life

  • Sometimes arriving at places and don’t know how you got there, or find things that you have bought but don’t remember buying them

How Can Complex Trauma be Treated?

One of the most effective forms of treatment for C-PTSD is something called an integrative, mind-body approach. This kind of therapy involves meeting with a trauma therapist over a number of sessions to learn techniques that will reduce symptoms of C-PTSD, re-processing traumatic memories, and finding emotional freedom. Beyond finding a trained therapist, it’s important to find one you feel comfortable with, so make sure to interview a few candidates to see who might help you on your journey to healing.

If you or a loved one are suffering from C-PTSD and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to see how I may be able to help.

SOURCES

The Complex PTSD Treatment Manual: An Integrative, Mind-Body Approach to Trauma Recovery by Arielle Schwartz, PhD

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/ptsd/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-causes/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/trauma

https://journeypureriver.com/big-t-little-t-trauma/

Mental Health Effects of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is not as easy to spot as physical abuse, but oftentimes its effects can be just as traumatic. Emotional abuse can involve a wide range of tactics, including gaslighting, shaming and manipulation. All of these are intended to leave the victim feeling confused, powerless and hopeless.

Typically people suffer from long-term or short-term emotional abuse, and depending on the length of time, there can be varying mental health effects.

Long-term emotional abuse happens over many years. Examples are a child growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent or a sibling with anger issues. Someone may find themselves in a marriage with a narcissistic partner.

Short-term emotional abuse can result from a nasty exchange with a stranger or micro-interactions with colleagues or neighbors.

The following are some short-term and long-term effects of emotional abuse:

Short-Term Effects

• Isolation or a sense of deep loneliness

• Self-doubt

• Shame

• Confusion

• Low self-esteem

• Anxiety connected with social interactions

• Feelings of powerlessness

Long-term Effects

• Neuroticism, or the tendency toward a depressed mood or negative emotions like anger

• Chronic stress

• Physical health issues like muscle tension and shortness of breath

• Attachment issues

• Apathy

• Eating disorders

• PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) or CPTSD (chronic post-traumatic stress disorder)

You Can Heal from Emotional Abuse

With time, patience and plenty of self-compassion, it is very possible to heal from the trauma of emotional abuse. Working with a mental health professional who has been trained specifically to help people who have been the victim of emotional abuse is a great starting point.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.

SOURCES:

https://psychcentral.com/health/effects-of-emotional-abuse

http://aware-ae.com/emotional-abuse-and-its-impact-on-mental-health/

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/327080

You Are Not Alone: Finding Support as a Male Sexual Abuse Survivor

On an almost daily basis we hear stories of female sexual harassment and abuse in the media. Sadly, male sexual abuse is fairly common, but the issue is underreported by the media and society in general.

One US-based study found that 1 in 6 boys experience some form of sexual abuse by the age of 18. Other research suggests the ratio may be as high as 1 in 4.

Why is this conduct not reported more often?

To start, most men are embarrassed to be the victim of sexual abuse, particularly when it is perpetrated by other men. In our culture, it is often felt by men that part of masulinity is being invulnerable and not be affected by emotional pain or traumatic experiences. In other words, guys are supposed to be the strong, silent type. It simply goes against the silent rules of being a man to acknowledge trauma and admit that you are suffering.

As a result, male victims of sexual abuse shove their feelings down and deny what happened. This repression of experience and emotion can and often does lead to isolation, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, and fear. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), major depression, anxiety, and substance abuse are also common among victims of male sexual abuse.

It’s important to get help. 

If you are the victim of sexual abuse, understand that you are far from alone. As the topic becomes more mainstream, there is less judgement by those who don’t understand how a man could be victimized in such a way. Education regarding male sexual abuse and demystifying misconceptions surrounding rape is essential to help male survivors heal and speak out.

While more needs to be done to bring this subject to mass awareness, it’s important that individual victims seek support. A therapist will be able to help you deal with your complex emotions and offer strategies to move through and past feelings of depression and anxiety. In time, healing can and does occur.

If you or someone you know is a male victim of sexual abuse and would like to discuss treatment options, please get in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Resources:

RAINN - Sexual Assault in Men & Boys

Book: "The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse" by Dan Allender

Book: "Healing the Wounded Heart: The Heartache of Sexual Abuse and the Hope of Transformation" by Dan Allender

Signs of Depression

Depression is more common that some might think. According to hopkinsmedicine.org, approximately 9.5% of American adults will suffer from a depressive illness each year.

It’s natural to feel down or anxious from time to time. However, prolonged feelings of hopelessness and despair could be a sign of something more. When these emotions grab hold, and won’t let go, it is likely you may have depression. Depression makes every day a constant challenge. You no longer enjoy life as you once did. Just getting out of bed can feel overwhelming.

But, through education, therapy, and sometimes medication, you can find relief from depression and get back to the life you were meant to live.

If you’re unsure of whether you are suffering from depression, read on to learn common signs and symptoms of depression.

SIGNS OF DEPRESSION

How can you tell if you are depressed? It may seem like an odd question, but a surprising number of people do not recognize that they may be suffering from depression. While some signs are obvious, others can be subtle.

Every individual will manifest symptoms in a different way, so it’s important to recognize any changes in your behavior. With this in mind, here are some signs you might be struggling with depression.

Clinical Symptoms of Depression

For a diagnosis of depression, the time requirement states that symptoms have been present for two or more weeks.

• Feeling sad most of the day, nearly every day

• Feeling a sense of hopelessness

• Fatigue or lack of energy

• Lack of interest or pleasure in activities / Loss of motivation

• Irritability

• Appetite or weight change

• Sleep disturbance (trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, or sleeping too much)

• Moving or talking more slowly, or more quickly, than normal

• Feeling restless or fidgeting

• Decreased ability to focus, remember, or make decisions

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt

• Thoughts of suicide or death, or attempting to end one’s life

All symptoms are not experienced by every individual, some may only experience a few of the symptoms listed above. The frequency and severity to which one experiences symptoms will also vary from one individual to the next, and without treatment may worsen over time.

Additional Signs of Depression

Anger & Irritability

It has been said that anger is depression turned inward. If you suddenly find yourself with a short fuse, and things that used to not bother you now cause you to fly off the handle, it may be a sign you need some help.

Physical Ailments

Many people don’t realize that depression can manifest itself physically. It is common for sufferers to feel sick to their stomach with whole body aches. Some may find they seem to have a cold or flu that won’t go away, while others may notice their chronic conditions, such as arthritis, are exacerbated by depression.

CAUSES & RISK FACTORS FOR DEPRESSION

Any one of the following could contribute to some developing depression.

• Trauma

• Stress

• Physical illness

• Medications

• Individual or family history

• Life changes

• Low self-esteem

• Biochemistry: Certain chemicals in the brain may be off balance contributing to depression

• Continuous exposure to violence, neglect, abuse or poverty may make some people more vulnerable to depression.

What can you do about it?

• Seek treatment from a mental health professional

• Consider the possibility that medication might be helpful, at least temporarily

• Increase exercise

• Talk to friends or family

• Make a conscious effort not to isolate yourself from others

• Get outdoors – get some fresh air and sunlight

• Eat nutritious foods

It is important to recognize these signs and symptoms so you may seek treatment as soon as possible. While depression may feel like a life sentence, reaching out for help will put you on the path toward healing and peace once again.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

For more information:

• National Institute for Mental Health

• American Psychiatric Association

• National Alliance for Mental Illness

5 Signs Your Partner May Be Addicted To Pornography

All addictions negatively impact a relationship, and pornography addiction is certainly no exception. The adult entertainment industry generates billions of dollars annually, and with an estimated 40 million Americans visiting porn sites regularly, pornography addiction is a problem for many families.

With an estimated 28% of women viewing online pornography versus 72% of men, pornography addiction isn’t a problem specific to men; women can also become addicted. If you’re concerned that your partner has developed an addiction to pornography, here are some signs to look out for.

They spend a lot of time on the internet

The porn addict will spend hours, and sometimes even days, online viewing pornography. If your spouse spends an increasing amount of time alone, either with a phone, laptop or tablet, he or she may be developing an obsession with pornography.

They’re critical of you

Porn stars are typically young and attractive, often times surgically enhanced. The more your partner watches pornography, the more negatively you may be compared to the models he or she is watching. Porn addicts tend to objectify their partner, and as your spouse spends increasing amounts of time watching porn, they may start to become critical of your body.

Unusual spending activity

Checking your bank or credit card statements, you may find unexpected or unexplained charges. Adult entertainment websites will often mask the charges to benefit the confidentiality of their customers, so you may have to do a Google search or make some phone calls to uncover the source of the charges.

Your sex life has changed

When someone is addicted to pornography, they may no longer have the drive or desire to maintain a sex life with their partner. Conversely, some addicts become more demanding. They may want to engage in acts you’re not comfortable with. As a person becomes more and more addicted to pornography, they will have to watch increasingly unusual material. This may result in your partner becoming more rough or aggressive.

Increased Irritability

Often when someone is involved in an addiction there is an intense cycle of shame and guilt often leaving the person dealing with a lot self contempt. This causes the person to be easily agitated when approached with small criticisms or corrective feedback, as the person already has a strong negative view of self. This is also shown when they struggle to complete simple or small tasks or feelings of failure in other places. This leads the the person responding in anger towards themself and others.

So what can you do if you suspect your partner is addicted to porn?

First, know that his or her addiction is not your fault. People become addicted as a way of coping with unwanted feelings and emotions, or as a way to avoid real life stress or difficulties. Second, seek support from trusted loved ones and find a therapist who can help you both on the road to recovery.

Is your relationship suffering because of pornography addiction? A trained, mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.