If you are reading this, I suspect that you have some sort of relationship difficulty with your mother. If you are asking what exactly is a “Mother Wound”? I encourage you to read my previous blog called, “What Is A Mother Wound?” Reading that blog will give you some understanding of what we are talking about in regards to learning how to heal the mother wound.
What Healing the Mother Wound IS NOT
Hating your mother
Blaming your mother for what she couldn’t provide
Betraying your mother
Convincing others to hate your mother
Calling your mother names such as, “borderline,” “bipolar,” “narcissist,” or “crazy”
Diagnosing your mother with a personality disorder
Going to therapy with your mother
Being close with your mother
Healing the Mother Wound
Healing begins when we begin to understand what we didn’t have so that we can give ourselves what was missing. Long term healing comes when we engage both our left brain (cognitive side) and right brain (emotional side) together. We must engage both sides of the brain in a safe and caring presence in order to find effective healing.
NAMe WHAT IS TRUE
The first step is naming what is true, naming the pain, naming the wounds, and becoming cognitively aware. We cannot change what we are not aware of so cognitive awareness is key. Reading books on the topic, listening to podcasts, and learning about Mother Wounds is cognitive (left brain) but it doesn’t stop there…
ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL
Healing doesn’t stop with “knowing” or being aware. In order to find long-term healing, you must allow yourself to feel the wound. This might involve some grief - grieving what you didn’t get that you needed or grieving how you were hurt. Allowing yourself to feel the longing that desires to be nurtured, protected, or guided is using your right brain. “After a lifetime of protecting ourselves, the brain simply won’t let go unless we are safe and supported. Your lovely brain is waiting for you to find a guide - someone with no other agenda than to help you find yourself” (Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel).
GIVe YOURSELF WHAT YOU NEEDED
Replacing what you lost and/or didn’t get as a child from your mother can be a difficult task. Nothing truly replaces a mother, but there are ways we can learn to take care of ourselves in ways that we lacked getting growing up. This can look like finding ways to nurture your body and emotions through your senses, such as taking a warm bath, using a comfy blanket to curl up with, taking naps, lighting your favorite scented candle or using your favorite essential oils, moving your body, listening to calming music, or finding someone safe to talk to.
Another part of giving yourself what you needed is reclaiming the love that you need. Surround yourself with good community who are accepting and supportive. Allow yourself to experience compassion from others and offer yourself self-compassion.
SET BOUNDARIES
Setting boundaries can sound harsh at first, but creating a relationship with your mother based on your needs and emotional health regardless if your mother changes or not is important for your healing. Setting boundaries is actually an invitiation to your mother for something more, to something deeper, but you cannot force her to choose something different. That has to be her choice, but you get to choose how you will relate to her by setting boundaries. Essentially, a boundary says, “I am not going to tolerate this behavior anymore for my own health and well-being regardless if you change or not.” This might be one of the most loving things you can do for your mother because it lets her know that her patterns of relating are hurting those around her and it’s up to her at that point to choose something different. And you don’t have to continue letting yourself be hurt by her anymore because your learning to set boundaries.
This is hard work. Most of us cannot do this work on our own which is why I recommend working with an attachment-focused therapist. No matter where you are at in your journey to finding healing from a mother wound, a qualified attachment-focused therapist can help. Reach out to me today if you would like to take the next step in your healing journey.
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