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5 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is the result of parents not responding enough to the emotional needs of their children. While it is an invisible form of suffering, as opposed to bruises and broken bones, it has lasting ramifications. And adults that have suffered from CEN have no idea that their current world is being created from a place of lack.
For many individuals, childhood is a time of wonder and adventure; a time when all needs are met and comfort is merely a whimper away.
And yet for others, childhood never feels quite safe or secure. For these people, emotional neglect was something that colored their early years and affects them as adults.
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is the result of parents not responding enough to the emotional needs of their children. While it is an invisible form of suffering, as opposed to bruises and broken bones, it has lasting ramifications. And adults that have suffered from CEN have no idea that their current world is being created from a place of lack.
What Makes CEN Invisible?
There are a couple of specifics that make CEN invisible to the victim:
It can happen in otherwise loving families that do not lack material needs.
A parent’s failure to respond to your emotional needs is not something that happens to you as a child. It is something that doesn’t happen to you, and therefore, your brain has nothing to record as “proof.”
These adults find themselves creating lives that don’t quite feel right. They may investigate their childhoods, looking for clues, but usually come up with nothing, which can add to their sense of stress and anxiety.
In the end, they feel that something must be innately wrong with them. They take the blame, assuming that they are simply flawed and different from other people who seem to have their acts together.
If you identify with this feeling, here are 5 signs you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect:
1. Fear of Being Dependent on Others
Independence is a good quality to have. But having a deep-seated fear about depending on anyone for anything, never asking for help or support, is not healthy.
2. You Don’t Really Know Yourself
When you meet new people and have to tell them about yourself, do you find it difficult? Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? What you like and don’t like? Victims of CEN tend to not know themselves as well as they should.
3. You’re a People Pleaser
You spend a lot of time trying to meet other people’s needs and pay little attention to your own. You’re hard on yourself but soft with others.
4. You Feel Empty
This can feel different to different people. Maybe you feel an empty sensation in your gut, throat or chest. Maybe you are struggling to find your purpose in life which leaves you feeling empty. Maybe you find it difficult to enjoy the small moments in life. For some it comes and goes, for others, this feeling is there 24/7 – 365.
5. You Have Trouble Feeling Your Emotions
When your emotions were ignored as a child, you never learned how to feel them and express them in healthy ways. As an adult, do you find it hard to identify the feelings you feel, let alone express them to others?
If you’ve just had an A-ha moment and think you may have suffered CEN and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. There is hope and you CAN heal from the invisible wounds and start creating the life you were meant to live.
How to Heal Your “Mother Wound?”
Healing begins when we begin to understand what we didn’t have so that we can give ourselves what was missing. Long term healing comes when we engage both our left brain (cognitive side) and right brain (emotional side) together. We must engage both sides of the brain in a safe and caring presence in order to find effective healing.
If you are reading this, I suspect that you have some sort of relationship difficulty with your mother. If you are asking what exactly is a “Mother Wound”? I encourage you to read my previous blog called, “What Is A Mother Wound?” Reading that blog will give you some understanding of what we are talking about in regards to learning how to heal the mother wound.
What Healing the Mother Wound IS NOT
Hating your mother
Blaming your mother for what she couldn’t provide
Betraying your mother
Convincing others to hate your mother
Calling your mother names such as, “borderline,” “bipolar,” “narcissist,” or “crazy”
Diagnosing your mother with a personality disorder
Going to therapy with your mother
Being close with your mother
Healing the Mother Wound
Healing begins when we begin to understand what we didn’t have so that we can give ourselves what was missing. Long term healing comes when we engage both our left brain (cognitive side) and right brain (emotional side) together. We must engage both sides of the brain in a safe and caring presence in order to find effective healing.
NAMe WHAT IS TRUE
The first step is naming what is true, naming the pain, naming the wounds, and becoming cognitively aware. We cannot change what we are not aware of so cognitive awareness is key. Reading books on the topic, listening to podcasts, and learning about Mother Wounds is cognitive (left brain) but it doesn’t stop there…
ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL
Healing doesn’t stop with “knowing” or being aware. In order to find long-term healing, you must allow yourself to feel the wound. This might involve some grief - grieving what you didn’t get that you needed or grieving how you were hurt. Allowing yourself to feel the longing that desires to be nurtured, protected, or guided is using your right brain. “After a lifetime of protecting ourselves, the brain simply won’t let go unless we are safe and supported. Your lovely brain is waiting for you to find a guide - someone with no other agenda than to help you find yourself” (Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel).
GIVe YOURSELF WHAT YOU NEEDED
Replacing what you lost and/or didn’t get as a child from your mother can be a difficult task. Nothing truly replaces a mother, but there are ways we can learn to take care of ourselves in ways that we lacked getting growing up. This can look like finding ways to nurture your body and emotions through your senses, such as taking a warm bath, using a comfy blanket to curl up with, taking naps, lighting your favorite scented candle or using your favorite essential oils, moving your body, listening to calming music, or finding someone safe to talk to.
Another part of giving yourself what you needed is reclaiming the love that you need. Surround yourself with good community who are accepting and supportive. Allow yourself to experience compassion from others and offer yourself self-compassion.
SET BOUNDARIES
Setting boundaries can sound harsh at first, but creating a relationship with your mother based on your needs and emotional health regardless if your mother changes or not is important for your healing. Setting boundaries is actually an invitiation to your mother for something more, to something deeper, but you cannot force her to choose something different. That has to be her choice, but you get to choose how you will relate to her by setting boundaries. Essentially, a boundary says, “I am not going to tolerate this behavior anymore for my own health and well-being regardless if you change or not.” This might be one of the most loving things you can do for your mother because it lets her know that her patterns of relating are hurting those around her and it’s up to her at that point to choose something different. And you don’t have to continue letting yourself be hurt by her anymore because your learning to set boundaries.
This is hard work. Most of us cannot do this work on our own which is why I recommend working with an attachment-focused therapist. No matter where you are at in your journey to finding healing from a mother wound, a qualified attachment-focused therapist can help. Reach out to me today if you would like to take the next step in your healing journey.
Sources:
What is Complex Trauma and What Causes it?
Little “t” traumas (Complex-Trauma) are when someone is repeatedly exposed to extremely threatening events from which they are unable to escape such as, prolonged bullying or harrassment, prolonged emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, prolonged captivity, prolonged domestic violence, prolonged discrimination, or being a refuge.
Most of us won’t get through life without our own fair share of stress and heartache. But some people experience not just stress, sadness or grief, but actual trauma. There are two categories of trauma commonly referred to as: Big “”T trauma and Little “t” trauma (also known as complex trauma).
Big “T” Trauma
Big “T” traumas are isolated incidents such as, being involved in a bad car accident, an isolated rape incident, a natural disaster, or war. The result of experiencing big “T” trauma events is called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a condition where the mind is unable to process the event as it processes ordinary life events. The result is a brain that misfires information, causing the person to live much of their life distressed, as if the event were still happening to them.
Little “t” trauma
Little “t” traumas (Complex-Trauma) are when someone is repeatedly exposed to extremely threatening events from which they are unable to escape such as, prolonged bullying or harrassment, prolonged emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, prolonged captivity, prolonged domestic violence, prolonged discrimination, or being a refuge. Although little “t” traumas may seem less significant because they are not as life threatening as big “T” traumas, the reality is sometimes little “t” traumas can cause more emotional harm than big “T” traumas. The result of little “t” traumas is Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). C-PTSD can also develop from traumas experienced during a child’s developmental years such as, childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, exposure to domestic violence, having a parent with an untreated mental illness, and having a parent who abuses alcohol or other substances.
Symptoms of PTSD (results of Big “T” traumas):
• Nightmares
• Flashbacks
• Psychological and physiological distress at reminders
• Avoidance of internal and external reminders
• Dissociative amnesia
• Negative beliefs about oneself and the world
• Distorted blaming of oneself
• Negative persistent emotional states
• Loss of interests
• Detachment from loved ones
• Hyper vigilance
• Exaggerated startle response
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty sleeping
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Self-destructive or reckless behavior
Symptoms of C-PTSD (results of Little “t” traumas)":
Includes all the same symptoms of PTSD in addition to any of the following:
Re-experiencing Symptoms:
Flashbacks, such as vivid images, overwhelming emotions, or disturbing sensations
Nightmares or wake up in a fright
Thinking about the traumatic events at an inconvenient time
Reliving traumatic events
Feeling triggered in a way that leaves you feeling overwhelmed, shaky, anxious, shutdown, helpless, and/or collapsed
Avoidance Symptoms:
Staying away from people or places that remind you of traumatic events
Tendency to withdraw or isolate yourself
Relying on alcohol, substances, nicotine, or food to avoid feeling your pain
Spending hours watching T.V. or playing video games
Difficulty admitting to yourself that you were abused or neglected
Spending so much time caring for others that you ignore yourself
Perfectionist or highly critical of yourself and others
Focusing so much on work so you don’t have to feel or think about the past
Persistent Perceptions of Current Threat:
Feeling hyper aware or on guard
Startled easily
Finding yourself constantly checking your environment for signs of threats
Always needing an escape plan
Tend to expect the worst
Highly sensitive to subtle changes in other people’s body language and facial expressions
Affect Dysregulation
You tend to cry uncontrollably, even after a minor, everyday challenge
Taking you a long time to feel better after a stressful event
Frequently feeling angry or irritable
Having a hard time controlling your anger
Tend to feel anxious or panicky
Often feel hopeless or depressed
Times when you feel you would be better off dead or you think about suicide
Sometimes you feel the urge to harmself
You tend to spend time with people or in places that are dangerous
You tend to feel numb and cut off from your emotions
Feeling incapable of feeling joy or pleasure
Negative Self-Concept
Feeling like you have little control over your life no matter what you do
Often feeling ineffective or powerless
Feeling like a failure
Believing that you are damaged
Having little hope for your future
Often feeling ashamed, guilty, or unworthy
Feeling as though something is wrong with you
Difficulty finding a sense of purpose or meaning to your life
Interpersonal Disturbances
Feeling disconnected from other people
Tendency to avoid spending time with other people
Difficulty trusting other people or knowing who you can trust
Difficulty doing things on your own or feeling that you rely to heavily on other people
Terrified of being left or abandoned by others
Finding it difficult to hear other people’s viewpoints or perspectives
Tendencies to avoid conflict
Dissociative Symptoms:
Sometimes finding yourself staring into space or realize that you have been daydreaming for long periods of time
Difficulty paying attention or getting distracted easily
Suddenly getting tired, feeling far away, or as if you’re looking at the world through a fog
Are there times when people, objects, or the world feels unreal
Sometimes feeling disconnected from your body or emotionally numb
Feeling like you are different people in different situations
Sometimes feeling, acting, or talking like a younger person
Difficulty remembering broad periods of your life
Sometimes arriving at places and don’t know how you got there, or find things that you have bought but don’t remember buying them
How Can Complex Trauma be Treated?
One of the most effective forms of treatment for C-PTSD is something called an integrative, mind-body approach. This kind of therapy involves meeting with a trauma therapist over a number of sessions to learn techniques that will reduce symptoms of C-PTSD, re-processing traumatic memories, and finding emotional freedom. Beyond finding a trained therapist, it’s important to find one you feel comfortable with, so make sure to interview a few candidates to see who might help you on your journey to healing.
If you or a loved one are suffering from C-PTSD and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to see how I may be able to help.
SOURCES
https://psychcentral.com/disorders/ptsd/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-causes/
Mental Health Effects of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is not as easy to spot as physical abuse, but oftentimes its effects can be just as traumatic. Emotional abuse can involve a wide range of tactics, including gaslighting, shaming and manipulation. All of these are intended to leave the victim feeling confused, powerless and hopeless.
Emotional abuse is not as easy to spot as physical abuse, but oftentimes its effects can be just as traumatic. Emotional abuse can involve a wide range of tactics, including gaslighting, shaming and manipulation. All of these are intended to leave the victim feeling confused, powerless and hopeless.
Typically people suffer from long-term or short-term emotional abuse, and depending on the length of time, there can be varying mental health effects.
Long-term emotional abuse happens over many years. Examples are a child growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent or a sibling with anger issues. Someone may find themselves in a marriage with a narcissistic partner.
Short-term emotional abuse can result from a nasty exchange with a stranger or micro-interactions with colleagues or neighbors.
The following are some short-term and long-term effects of emotional abuse:
Short-Term Effects
Isolation or a sense of deep loneliness
Self-doubt
Shame
Confusion
Low self-esteem
Anxiety connected with social interactions
Feelings of powerlessness
Long-term Effects
Neuroticism, or the tendency toward a depressed mood or negative emotions like anger
Chronic stress
Physical health issues like muscle tension and shortness of breath
Attachment issues
Apathy
Eating disorders
PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) or CPTSD (chronic post-traumatic stress disorder)
You Can Heal from Emotional Abuse
With time, patience and plenty of self-compassion, it is very possible to heal from the trauma of emotional abuse. Working with a mental health professional who has been trained specifically to help people who have been the victim of emotional abuse is a great starting point.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.
SOURCES:
https://psychcentral.com/health/effects-of-emotional-abuse
http://aware-ae.com/emotional-abuse-and-its-impact-on-mental-health/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/327080
What is a Mother Wound?
A “mother wound” is not a term we often hear, so if you’re wondering if you or someone you care about has a “mother wound,” you have come to the right place.
There is no official clinical mental health diagnosis for the mother wound, but it is a form of complex trauma that can be passed down from one generation to the next. The mother wound is most often associated with daughters and mothers, but sometimes sons can have mother wounds as well.
A “mother wound” is not a term we often hear, so if you’re wondering if you or someone you care about has a “mother wound,” you have come to the right place.
There is no official clinical mental health diagnosis for the mother wound, but it is a form of complex trauma that can be passed down from one generation to the next. The mother wound is most often associated with daughters and mothers, but sometimes sons can have mother wounds as well.
What is a Mother Wound?
To put it simply, the mother wound is the loss or lack of mothering - the loss or lack of getting what we needed as a child growing up from our mother. Much of how we develop our sense of self and who we are comes from our mother as Kristina Robb-Dover says in her article “How to Heal from a ‘Mother Wound’ and Family Trauma.” When we are nurtured, protected, and cared for it develops a sense of security within us and trust with others. How we develop within the context of relationship with our mother often shapes how we view ourselves, others, and the world.
“Maternal love is our first experience of what love feels like, and the maternal care we receive informs how we feel about ourselves throughout life” (McDaniel, 2021).
In Stephi Wagner’s article, “What is the Mother Wound,” she describes that the mother wound happens when a mother causes their child pain and/or trauma in the context of relationship with their mother. The harm can happen at any stage of their life - infant, child, teen, or adult. The harm could have been a one-time event or ongoing for a long period of time.
The Mother Wound can take several different forms as listed below:
Emotional Mother Wound
Manipulative
Guilt trip
Emotional caretaker of your mother
Gaslighting
Verbal abuse
Mocking
Shaming
Showing favoritism
Parentification
Neglect
Physical Mother Wound
Hitting
Spanking
Swatting
Pinching
Beating
Slapping
Smacking
Sexual Mother Wound
Body shaming
Sexual abuse
Slut shaming
Rejecting of sexual orientation
Silence when another adult does the above
Spiritual / Religious Mother Wound
Forced prayer
Mandatory service attendance
Coerced beliefs
“Because god says”
rejection of chosen spiritual beliefs
Economic / Financial Mother Wound
Using money / purchased to manipulate
Controlling access to money / purchased items
Destruction of property
Evicting or threatening eviction
The Signs and Symptoms of the Mother Wound
In Stephi Wagner’s article, “What is the Mother Wound,” and Sherry Gaba’s article, who is a Licensed Social Worker, “The Mother Wound” they state that the following are signs and symptoms that you may have a mother wound:
Feeling overly responsible for the feelings of others
Pattern of dismissing your own needs and feelings
History of unfulfilling, difficult or even broken relationships
Inability to handle conflict confidently and effectively
Difficulty saying no, setting boundaries, or asserting yourself
Struggles with ongoing depression and/or anxiety
Discomfort with an even hatred towards your own body
Sexual inhibition and/or dysfunction coupled with insecurity regarding sex and pleasure
Persistent sense you are either “too much” or “not enough”
Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, self-loathing, guilt, and shame
Caring too much about the judgements and opinions of others
Eating disorders
Addictions
Never feeling like you had your mothers approval or acceptance
Concerns about not being loved by their mother or not being loved as much as other siblings or family members
Difficulties in relating to the mother on an emotional level
Uncertainty about the relationship with the mother and if it could be lost with a mistake or an accident
Always trying to do better or to be perfect, to attempt to gain your mother's attention and acceptance
Feelings of having to protect, care for, or shelter your mother rather than her protecting, caring for and sheltering you
If any of these signs or symptoms resonate with you, it is important you seek professional help to learn how to navigate these wounds and find healing. Most of us cannot do this work on our own which is why I recommend working with an attachment-focused therapist. No matter where you are at in your journey to finding healing from a mother wound, a qualified attachment-focused therapist can help. Reach out to me today if you would like to take the next step in your healing journey.
SOURCES:
Signs of Depression
Depression is more common that some might think. According to hopkinsmedicine.org, approximately 9.5% of American adults will suffer from a depressive illness each year. It’s natural to feel down or anxious from time to time. However, prolonged feelings of hopelessness and despair could be a sign of something more. When these emotions grab hold, and won’t let go, it is likely you may have depression. Depression makes every day a constant challenge. You no longer enjoy life as you once did.
Depression is more common that some might think. According to hopkinsmedicine.org, approximately 9.5% of American adults will suffer from a depressive illness each year.
It’s natural to feel down or anxious from time to time. However, prolonged feelings of hopelessness and despair could be a sign of something more. When these emotions grab hold, and won’t let go, it is likely you may have depression. Depression makes every day a constant challenge. You no longer enjoy life as you once did. Just getting out of bed can feel overwhelming.
But, through education, therapy, and sometimes medication, you can find relief from depression and get back to the life you were meant to live.
If you’re unsure of whether you are suffering from depression, read on to learn common signs and symptoms of depression.
SIGNS OF DEPRESSION
How can you tell if you are depressed? It may seem like an odd question, but a surprising number of people do not recognize that they may be suffering from depression. While some signs are obvious, others can be subtle.
Every individual will manifest symptoms in a different way, so it’s important to recognize any changes in your behavior. With this in mind, here are some signs you might be struggling with depression.
Clinical Symptoms of Depression
For a diagnosis of depression, the time requirement states that symptoms have been present for two or more weeks.
Feeling sad most of the day, nearly every day
Feeling a sense of hopelessness
Fatigue or lack of energy
Lack of interest or pleasure in activities / Loss of motivation
Irritability
Appetite or weight change
Sleep disturbance (trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, or sleeping too much)
Moving or talking more slowly, or more quickly, than normal
Feeling restless or fidgeting
Decreased ability to focus, remember, or make decisions
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Thoughts of suicide or death, or attempting to end one’s life
All symptoms are not experienced by every individual, some may only experience a few of the symptoms listed above. The frequency and severity to which one experiences symptoms will also vary from one individual to the next, and without treatment may worsen over time.
Additional Signs of Depression
Anger & Irritability
It has been said that anger is depression turned inward. If you suddenly find yourself with a short fuse, and things that used to not bother you now cause you to fly off the handle, it may be a sign you need some help.
Physical Ailments
Many people don’t realize that depression can manifest itself physically. It is common for sufferers to feel sick to their stomach with whole body aches. Some may find they seem to have a cold or flu that won’t go away, while others may notice their chronic conditions, such as arthritis, are exacerbated by depression.
CAUSES & RISK FACTORS FOR DEPRESSION
Any one of the following could contribute to some developing depression.
Trauma
Stress
Physical illness
Medications
Individual or family history
Life changes
Low self-esteem
Biochemistry: Certain chemicals in the brain may be off balance contributing to depression
Continuous exposure to violence, neglect, abuse or poverty may make some people more vulnerable to depression.
What can you do about it?
Seek treatment from a mental health professional
Consider the possibility that medication might be helpful, at least temporarily
Increase exercise
Talk to friends or family
Make a conscious effort not to isolate yourself from others
Get outdoors – get some fresh air and sunlight
Eat nutritious foods
It is important to recognize these signs and symptoms so you may seek treatment as soon as possible. While depression may feel like a life sentence, reaching out for help will put you on the path toward healing and peace once again.
If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.
For more information:
5 Signs Your Partner May Be Addicted To Pornography
With an estimated 28% of women viewing online pornography versus 72% of men, pornography addiction isn’t a problem specific to men; women can also become addicted. If you’re concerned that your partner has developed an addiction to pornography, here are some signs to look out for.
All addictions negatively impact a relationship, and pornography addiction is certainly no exception. The adult entertainment industry generates billions of dollars annually, and with an estimated 40 million Americans visiting porn sites regularly, pornography addiction is a problem for many families.
With an estimated 28% of women viewing online pornography versus 72% of men, pornography addiction isn’t a problem specific to men; women can also become addicted. If you’re concerned that your partner has developed an addiction to pornography, here are some signs to look out for.
They spend a lot of time on the internet
The porn addict will spend hours, and sometimes even days, online viewing pornography. If your spouse spends an increasing amount of time alone, either with a phone, laptop or tablet, he or she may be developing an obsession with pornography.
They’re critical of you
Porn stars are typically young and attractive, often times surgically enhanced. The more your partner watches pornography, the more negatively you may be compared to the models he or she is watching. Porn addicts tend to objectify their partner, and as your spouse spends increasing amounts of time watching porn, they may start to become critical of your body.
Unusual spending activity
Checking your bank or credit card statements, you may find unexpected or unexplained charges. Adult entertainment websites will often mask the charges to benefit the confidentiality of their customers, so you may have to do a Google search or make some phone calls to uncover the source of the charges.
Your sex life has changed
When someone is addicted to pornography, they may no longer have the drive or desire to maintain a sex life with their partner. Conversely, some addicts become more demanding. They may want to engage in acts you’re not comfortable with. As a person becomes more and more addicted to pornography, they will have to watch increasingly unusual material. This may result in your partner becoming more rough or aggressive.
Increased Irritability
Often when someone is involved in an addiction there is an intense cycle of shame and guilt often leaving the person dealing with a lot self contempt. This causes the person to be easily agitated when approached with small criticisms or corrective feedback, as the person already has a strong negative view of self. This is also shown when they struggle to complete simple or small tasks or feelings of failure in other places. This leads the the person responding in anger towards themself and others.
So what can you do if you suspect your partner is addicted to porn?
First, know that his or her addiction is not your fault. People become addicted as a way of coping with unwanted feelings and emotions, or as a way to avoid real life stress or difficulties. Second, seek support from trusted loved ones and find a therapist who can help you both on the road to recovery.
Is your relationship suffering because of pornography addiction? A trained, mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.