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5 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is the result of parents not responding enough to the emotional needs of their children. While it is an invisible form of suffering, as opposed to bruises and broken bones, it has lasting ramifications. And adults that have suffered from CEN have no idea that their current world is being created from a place of lack.
For many individuals, childhood is a time of wonder and adventure; a time when all needs are met and comfort is merely a whimper away.
And yet for others, childhood never feels quite safe or secure. For these people, emotional neglect was something that colored their early years and affects them as adults.
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is the result of parents not responding enough to the emotional needs of their children. While it is an invisible form of suffering, as opposed to bruises and broken bones, it has lasting ramifications. And adults that have suffered from CEN have no idea that their current world is being created from a place of lack.
What Makes CEN Invisible?
There are a couple of specifics that make CEN invisible to the victim:
It can happen in otherwise loving families that do not lack material needs.
A parent’s failure to respond to your emotional needs is not something that happens to you as a child. It is something that doesn’t happen to you, and therefore, your brain has nothing to record as “proof.”
These adults find themselves creating lives that don’t quite feel right. They may investigate their childhoods, looking for clues, but usually come up with nothing, which can add to their sense of stress and anxiety.
In the end, they feel that something must be innately wrong with them. They take the blame, assuming that they are simply flawed and different from other people who seem to have their acts together.
If you identify with this feeling, here are 5 signs you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect:
1. Fear of Being Dependent on Others
Independence is a good quality to have. But having a deep-seated fear about depending on anyone for anything, never asking for help or support, is not healthy.
2. You Don’t Really Know Yourself
When you meet new people and have to tell them about yourself, do you find it difficult? Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? What you like and don’t like? Victims of CEN tend to not know themselves as well as they should.
3. You’re a People Pleaser
You spend a lot of time trying to meet other people’s needs and pay little attention to your own. You’re hard on yourself but soft with others.
4. You Feel Empty
This can feel different to different people. Maybe you feel an empty sensation in your gut, throat or chest. Maybe you are struggling to find your purpose in life which leaves you feeling empty. Maybe you find it difficult to enjoy the small moments in life. For some it comes and goes, for others, this feeling is there 24/7 – 365.
5. You Have Trouble Feeling Your Emotions
When your emotions were ignored as a child, you never learned how to feel them and express them in healthy ways. As an adult, do you find it hard to identify the feelings you feel, let alone express them to others?
If you’ve just had an A-ha moment and think you may have suffered CEN and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. There is hope and you CAN heal from the invisible wounds and start creating the life you were meant to live.
How to Deal with Family Drama Around the Holidays
For some of people, spending time with family during the holidays is something straight out of a Hallmark movie with days filled with comfort and joy. But for many others, the holidays with family are scarier than Halloween. From the stress of traveling to the pressure of buying and wrapping gifts, and the fact many family members can’t be in the same room with each other without a fight erupting, holidays can be stressful!
For some of people, spending time with family during the holidays is something straight out of a Hallmark movie with days filled with comfort and joy. But for many others, the holidays with family are scarier than Halloween. From the stress of traveling to the pressure of buying and wrapping gifts, and the fact many family members can’t be in the same room with each other without a fight erupting, holidays can be stressful!
While you can’t necessarily stop family drama from occurring, there are some simple and effective ways you can deal with it:
Have Realistic Expectations
So much of the pain of the holidays comes from having unrealistic expectations. Acknowledge beforehand that you and your family are human and that there may be those moments that aren’t very pleasant and that’s okay. Life and families are messy.
Allow Yourself to Feel
Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel (such as disappointment, hurt, or grief). Try not to ignore your feelings or supress them. Recognize and acknoweldge how your impacted by the family dynamics without reacting in hurtful ways to others.
Sometimes sadness and grief come up during the holidays too, which is normal. Family gatherings can remind us of our loved ones who are not here with us anymore. If a loved one has recently died, talk with other family members about the loved one. Discuss how you all might do something special in their memory to acknowledge their absence. Check with your family to see what feels comfortable to everyone. Holidays can be a difficult time for grief, but reminiscing with others can help you heal in the grieving process.
Set Your Boundaries
Time spent with families over the holidays can also trigger us to feel like children all over again, essentially helpless. But you are an adult now and you are not helpless. You can set those boundaries to protect your mental health. Determine before you go what you will tolerate and what you won’t. This can be for simple things like meal times and sleeping accommodations to what topics of discussion you will engage in. Be sure to share your personal limits with all involved.
Use Good Judgement
When the holiday drama sets in, it’s easy to want to drink more or eat more processed foods. But in large amounts, alcohol and processed sugars impair our mood and judgement. Do your best to not overindulge.
You may also want to speak with a therapist in the weeks leading up to the holidays. He or she can give you tools to help you navigate the awkward and tense moments during family get-togethers.
If you’re interested in exploring counseling, please reach out to me. I’d love to help your holidays be warm and merry (or at least tolerable!).
SOURCES:
https://www.hioscar.com/blog/10-healthy-ways-to-deal-with-holiday-family-drama
https://brainmd.com/blog/how-to-avoid-family-drama-during-the-holidays/
Overcoming Generational Trauma
You know you got your hairline from your Dad’s side of the family and your eye color from your mom. You know diabetes runs in your family, as does heart disease and Parkinson’s. But do you know that many families also pass down trauma to their loved ones? It’s not just our physical makeup and risk of disease that we inherit from our family, it is also the emotional wounds as well.
You know you got your hairline from your Dad’s side of the family and your eye color from your mom. You know diabetes runs in your family, as does heart disease and Parkinson’s.
But do you know that many families also pass down trauma to their loved ones? It’s not just our physical makeup and risk of disease that we inherit from our family, it is also the emotional wounds as well.
What is Transgenerational Trauma?
Before you were born you were in your mother’s womb and very susceptible to her emotions. As your mother felt joy, her body released hormones that made you feel joy.
When she felt sad, scared, or angry, her body released hormones that made her experience these same emotions.
Eventually, you were born and raised in a house that may not always be happy or harmonious. Your parents may have been emotionally distant or even abusive because they may have been brought up by parents who had their own reasons for being emotionally absent or abusive.
Many families have unresolved trauma that works its way through one generation to the next. Those families who have dealt with addiction, depression, anxiety, terror, racism, and the like, often continue to pass on negative emotions, poor behaviors, low self-esteem, and maladaptive coping strategies. These not only lead to a painful and hard life, but they can also lead to chronic health conditions.
It Can Stop With You!
If you have a history of family conflict or trauma, you can be the individual who puts an end to the cycle. You can be the one who begins a new cycle, one of passing down loving communication and positive self-images.
Of course, it will take work on your part to overcome the pain of your family history. That’s why it’s a good idea to work with a mental health professional who can offer you the right tools and coping strategies that you can then pass down to your own children.
If you’re interested in exploring therapy, please get in touch with me! I’d love to help you end the cycle of trauma in your family.
SOURCES:
How to Heal Your “Mother Wound?”
Healing begins when we begin to understand what we didn’t have so that we can give ourselves what was missing. Long term healing comes when we engage both our left brain (cognitive side) and right brain (emotional side) together. We must engage both sides of the brain in a safe and caring presence in order to find effective healing.
If you are reading this, I suspect that you have some sort of relationship difficulty with your mother. If you are asking what exactly is a “Mother Wound”? I encourage you to read my previous blog called, “What Is A Mother Wound?” Reading that blog will give you some understanding of what we are talking about in regards to learning how to heal the mother wound.
What Healing the Mother Wound IS NOT
Hating your mother
Blaming your mother for what she couldn’t provide
Betraying your mother
Convincing others to hate your mother
Calling your mother names such as, “borderline,” “bipolar,” “narcissist,” or “crazy”
Diagnosing your mother with a personality disorder
Going to therapy with your mother
Being close with your mother
Healing the Mother Wound
Healing begins when we begin to understand what we didn’t have so that we can give ourselves what was missing. Long term healing comes when we engage both our left brain (cognitive side) and right brain (emotional side) together. We must engage both sides of the brain in a safe and caring presence in order to find effective healing.
NAMe WHAT IS TRUE
The first step is naming what is true, naming the pain, naming the wounds, and becoming cognitively aware. We cannot change what we are not aware of so cognitive awareness is key. Reading books on the topic, listening to podcasts, and learning about Mother Wounds is cognitive (left brain) but it doesn’t stop there…
ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL
Healing doesn’t stop with “knowing” or being aware. In order to find long-term healing, you must allow yourself to feel the wound. This might involve some grief - grieving what you didn’t get that you needed or grieving how you were hurt. Allowing yourself to feel the longing that desires to be nurtured, protected, or guided is using your right brain. “After a lifetime of protecting ourselves, the brain simply won’t let go unless we are safe and supported. Your lovely brain is waiting for you to find a guide - someone with no other agenda than to help you find yourself” (Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel).
GIVe YOURSELF WHAT YOU NEEDED
Replacing what you lost and/or didn’t get as a child from your mother can be a difficult task. Nothing truly replaces a mother, but there are ways we can learn to take care of ourselves in ways that we lacked getting growing up. This can look like finding ways to nurture your body and emotions through your senses, such as taking a warm bath, using a comfy blanket to curl up with, taking naps, lighting your favorite scented candle or using your favorite essential oils, moving your body, listening to calming music, or finding someone safe to talk to.
Another part of giving yourself what you needed is reclaiming the love that you need. Surround yourself with good community who are accepting and supportive. Allow yourself to experience compassion from others and offer yourself self-compassion.
SET BOUNDARIES
Setting boundaries can sound harsh at first, but creating a relationship with your mother based on your needs and emotional health regardless if your mother changes or not is important for your healing. Setting boundaries is actually an invitiation to your mother for something more, to something deeper, but you cannot force her to choose something different. That has to be her choice, but you get to choose how you will relate to her by setting boundaries. Essentially, a boundary says, “I am not going to tolerate this behavior anymore for my own health and well-being regardless if you change or not.” This might be one of the most loving things you can do for your mother because it lets her know that her patterns of relating are hurting those around her and it’s up to her at that point to choose something different. And you don’t have to continue letting yourself be hurt by her anymore because your learning to set boundaries.
This is hard work. Most of us cannot do this work on our own which is why I recommend working with an attachment-focused therapist. No matter where you are at in your journey to finding healing from a mother wound, a qualified attachment-focused therapist can help. Reach out to me today if you would like to take the next step in your healing journey.
Sources:
Mental Health Effects of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is not as easy to spot as physical abuse, but oftentimes its effects can be just as traumatic. Emotional abuse can involve a wide range of tactics, including gaslighting, shaming and manipulation. All of these are intended to leave the victim feeling confused, powerless and hopeless.
Emotional abuse is not as easy to spot as physical abuse, but oftentimes its effects can be just as traumatic. Emotional abuse can involve a wide range of tactics, including gaslighting, shaming and manipulation. All of these are intended to leave the victim feeling confused, powerless and hopeless.
Typically people suffer from long-term or short-term emotional abuse, and depending on the length of time, there can be varying mental health effects.
Long-term emotional abuse happens over many years. Examples are a child growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent or a sibling with anger issues. Someone may find themselves in a marriage with a narcissistic partner.
Short-term emotional abuse can result from a nasty exchange with a stranger or micro-interactions with colleagues or neighbors.
The following are some short-term and long-term effects of emotional abuse:
Short-Term Effects
Isolation or a sense of deep loneliness
Self-doubt
Shame
Confusion
Low self-esteem
Anxiety connected with social interactions
Feelings of powerlessness
Long-term Effects
Neuroticism, or the tendency toward a depressed mood or negative emotions like anger
Chronic stress
Physical health issues like muscle tension and shortness of breath
Attachment issues
Apathy
Eating disorders
PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) or CPTSD (chronic post-traumatic stress disorder)
You Can Heal from Emotional Abuse
With time, patience and plenty of self-compassion, it is very possible to heal from the trauma of emotional abuse. Working with a mental health professional who has been trained specifically to help people who have been the victim of emotional abuse is a great starting point.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.
SOURCES:
https://psychcentral.com/health/effects-of-emotional-abuse
http://aware-ae.com/emotional-abuse-and-its-impact-on-mental-health/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/327080
What is a Mother Wound?
A “mother wound” is not a term we often hear, so if you’re wondering if you or someone you care about has a “mother wound,” you have come to the right place.
There is no official clinical mental health diagnosis for the mother wound, but it is a form of complex trauma that can be passed down from one generation to the next. The mother wound is most often associated with daughters and mothers, but sometimes sons can have mother wounds as well.
A “mother wound” is not a term we often hear, so if you’re wondering if you or someone you care about has a “mother wound,” you have come to the right place.
There is no official clinical mental health diagnosis for the mother wound, but it is a form of complex trauma that can be passed down from one generation to the next. The mother wound is most often associated with daughters and mothers, but sometimes sons can have mother wounds as well.
What is a Mother Wound?
To put it simply, the mother wound is the loss or lack of mothering - the loss or lack of getting what we needed as a child growing up from our mother. Much of how we develop our sense of self and who we are comes from our mother as Kristina Robb-Dover says in her article “How to Heal from a ‘Mother Wound’ and Family Trauma.” When we are nurtured, protected, and cared for it develops a sense of security within us and trust with others. How we develop within the context of relationship with our mother often shapes how we view ourselves, others, and the world.
“Maternal love is our first experience of what love feels like, and the maternal care we receive informs how we feel about ourselves throughout life” (McDaniel, 2021).
In Stephi Wagner’s article, “What is the Mother Wound,” she describes that the mother wound happens when a mother causes their child pain and/or trauma in the context of relationship with their mother. The harm can happen at any stage of their life - infant, child, teen, or adult. The harm could have been a one-time event or ongoing for a long period of time.
The Mother Wound can take several different forms as listed below:
Emotional Mother Wound
Manipulative
Guilt trip
Emotional caretaker of your mother
Gaslighting
Verbal abuse
Mocking
Shaming
Showing favoritism
Parentification
Neglect
Physical Mother Wound
Hitting
Spanking
Swatting
Pinching
Beating
Slapping
Smacking
Sexual Mother Wound
Body shaming
Sexual abuse
Slut shaming
Rejecting of sexual orientation
Silence when another adult does the above
Spiritual / Religious Mother Wound
Forced prayer
Mandatory service attendance
Coerced beliefs
“Because god says”
rejection of chosen spiritual beliefs
Economic / Financial Mother Wound
Using money / purchased to manipulate
Controlling access to money / purchased items
Destruction of property
Evicting or threatening eviction
The Signs and Symptoms of the Mother Wound
In Stephi Wagner’s article, “What is the Mother Wound,” and Sherry Gaba’s article, who is a Licensed Social Worker, “The Mother Wound” they state that the following are signs and symptoms that you may have a mother wound:
Feeling overly responsible for the feelings of others
Pattern of dismissing your own needs and feelings
History of unfulfilling, difficult or even broken relationships
Inability to handle conflict confidently and effectively
Difficulty saying no, setting boundaries, or asserting yourself
Struggles with ongoing depression and/or anxiety
Discomfort with an even hatred towards your own body
Sexual inhibition and/or dysfunction coupled with insecurity regarding sex and pleasure
Persistent sense you are either “too much” or “not enough”
Feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, self-loathing, guilt, and shame
Caring too much about the judgements and opinions of others
Eating disorders
Addictions
Never feeling like you had your mothers approval or acceptance
Concerns about not being loved by their mother or not being loved as much as other siblings or family members
Difficulties in relating to the mother on an emotional level
Uncertainty about the relationship with the mother and if it could be lost with a mistake or an accident
Always trying to do better or to be perfect, to attempt to gain your mother's attention and acceptance
Feelings of having to protect, care for, or shelter your mother rather than her protecting, caring for and sheltering you
If any of these signs or symptoms resonate with you, it is important you seek professional help to learn how to navigate these wounds and find healing. Most of us cannot do this work on our own which is why I recommend working with an attachment-focused therapist. No matter where you are at in your journey to finding healing from a mother wound, a qualified attachment-focused therapist can help. Reach out to me today if you would like to take the next step in your healing journey.
SOURCES:
How Narcissistic Parents Affect Mental Health in Children
Some children have one or more parents who lack the right skills or behavior to allow their children to feel safe, secure, and unconditionally loved. Those children who are raised by someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often experience prolonged trauma, and the effects of this trauma can linger into adulthood.
For many children, childhood is a time of wonder, play, and discovery. These children have parents who give them the safety and security to explore the world around them and grow to reach their full potential.
But some children have one or more parents who lack the right skills or behavior to allow their children to feel safe, secure, and unconditionally loved. Those children who are raised by someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often experience prolonged trauma, and the effects of this trauma can linger into adulthood.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
When we hear the word narcissist, we often think of certain politicians or celebrities who are known for their boastful and arrogant behavior. And while these traits are definitely annoying, narcissism is far more complex and destructive to those in the relationship with the narcissist, particularly children.
The main characteristics of narcissism are a lack of empathy and the inability to recognize the emotional needs of others. Narcissistic parents also tend to view their offspring as competition while simultaneously denying them independent personhood.
Some other key characteristics of narcissistic parents include:
Codependency
Inflexible
Liars
Manipulators
Superficial
Self-involved
Superior
How Does a Narcissistic Parent Affect a Child’s Mental Health?
The following are some common ways kids, and adult children of narcissists, feel about themselves and life in general:
Low Self-Worth
You grow up feeling unseen and unheard. Your emotional needs never really mattered. You might feel more valued by the parent for what you do rather than for who you are.
Codependency
Narcissistic parents make sure it’s ALWAYS about them. Children grow up feeling 100% responsible for making sure their parent’s needs (financial, emotional, and otherwise) are taken care of. Children or adult children may feel that they only exist to serve the parent. They do not learn how to form healthy boundaries, only how to please others.
Crippling Self-Doubt
Narcissists are liars and manipulators. They will “gaslight” their children into believing a false reality and questioning their own sanity. As a result, children grow up with crippling self-doubt, never believing they can trust their own feelings or thoughts.
If you believe one or both of your parents was a narcissist and you are suffering from any of these aftereffects, you CAN heal. Working with a therapist who specializes in recovery from narcissistic abuse can put you on the path to self-love, self-compassion, and greater joy and intimacy with others.
If you’d like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me.
RESOURCES: