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5 Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is the result of parents not responding enough to the emotional needs of their children. While it is an invisible form of suffering, as opposed to bruises and broken bones, it has lasting ramifications. And adults that have suffered from CEN have no idea that their current world is being created from a place of lack.
For many individuals, childhood is a time of wonder and adventure; a time when all needs are met and comfort is merely a whimper away.
And yet for others, childhood never feels quite safe or secure. For these people, emotional neglect was something that colored their early years and affects them as adults.
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is the result of parents not responding enough to the emotional needs of their children. While it is an invisible form of suffering, as opposed to bruises and broken bones, it has lasting ramifications. And adults that have suffered from CEN have no idea that their current world is being created from a place of lack.
What Makes CEN Invisible?
There are a couple of specifics that make CEN invisible to the victim:
It can happen in otherwise loving families that do not lack material needs.
A parent’s failure to respond to your emotional needs is not something that happens to you as a child. It is something that doesn’t happen to you, and therefore, your brain has nothing to record as “proof.”
These adults find themselves creating lives that don’t quite feel right. They may investigate their childhoods, looking for clues, but usually come up with nothing, which can add to their sense of stress and anxiety.
In the end, they feel that something must be innately wrong with them. They take the blame, assuming that they are simply flawed and different from other people who seem to have their acts together.
If you identify with this feeling, here are 5 signs you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect:
1. Fear of Being Dependent on Others
Independence is a good quality to have. But having a deep-seated fear about depending on anyone for anything, never asking for help or support, is not healthy.
2. You Don’t Really Know Yourself
When you meet new people and have to tell them about yourself, do you find it difficult? Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? What you like and don’t like? Victims of CEN tend to not know themselves as well as they should.
3. You’re a People Pleaser
You spend a lot of time trying to meet other people’s needs and pay little attention to your own. You’re hard on yourself but soft with others.
4. You Feel Empty
This can feel different to different people. Maybe you feel an empty sensation in your gut, throat or chest. Maybe you are struggling to find your purpose in life which leaves you feeling empty. Maybe you find it difficult to enjoy the small moments in life. For some it comes and goes, for others, this feeling is there 24/7 – 365.
5. You Have Trouble Feeling Your Emotions
When your emotions were ignored as a child, you never learned how to feel them and express them in healthy ways. As an adult, do you find it hard to identify the feelings you feel, let alone express them to others?
If you’ve just had an A-ha moment and think you may have suffered CEN and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. There is hope and you CAN heal from the invisible wounds and start creating the life you were meant to live.
The Truth About Perfectionism
Perfectionism can often be a by-product of what’s already going on inside a person. It may be a symptom of deeper rooted problems including stress, anxiety, depression, burn out, or OCD.
We live in a society that values things that appear perfect. And I suppose there are things that can be perfect. Architects can draw the perfect straight line, mathematicians can solve an equation with a perfect calculation, and a chocolate cake can be perfectly moist.
But as human beings, we can never reach a state of perfection because we will always be a work in progress. Perfection indicates a finality – a finished product – but we as humans are always growing and changing.
What is Perfectionism?
Many people view perfectionism as a positive attribute. They believe the more “perfect” they are, the more success they will have in life.
Perfectionism is NOT the same thing as always doing your best. It is important that we always do our best. By doing so, we can experience healthy achievements and growth. But perfectionism takes this concept to the extreme.
People with perfectionist tendencies often have self-defeating thoughts and/or behaviors that actually make it HARDER to achieve their goals.
Perfectionism can often be a by-product of what’s already going on inside a person. It may be a symptom of deeper rooted problems including stress, anxiety, depression, burn out, or OCD. Perfectionism can lead to more serious negative consequences as well, including depression, eating disorders, or suicide. Perfectionism can also have a negative impact on the individual’s relationships because they come to expect perfectionism from everyone around them.
Signs to Look For
Most human beings, from time to time, will strive for perfectionism in some aspect of their life. As an example, that “perfectly moist chocolate cake” I mentioned earlier got that way because the person who baked it was trying to get everything JUST RIGHT as a gift for someone’s birthday.
But there are those people who are “full-time” perfectionists. They strive for perfection in all aspects of their life.
Here are some signs you may be a perfectionist:
You don’t like to attempt tasks or activities unless you feel you can complete them perfectly.
You are end-oriented, meaning you focus little on the process of creating or learning something and put all of the emphasis on the outcome.
You cannot see a task as having been completed unless it meets your perfectionist standards.
You tend to procrastinate because you don’t like starting a task until you know you can perfectly complete it.
You tend to take far longer completing tasks than others. This can be problematic at work.
Getting Help
Again, perfectionism is not the same thing as doing your best. It is a condition whereby the individual is almost incapable of feeling joy or pride at what they accomplish because in their own minds, they are never quite good enough.
If you believe you may have traits of perfectionism and it is causing you stress, there are things you can do to find healing and freedom so you can live a healthier and happier life.
Therapy and counseling is often helpful in treating perfectionism. If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me.